Fuckdoll

“Strip and lie on your back on the bed. I’ll be back in a minute,” he instructed as soon as I entered his room. He headed upstairs, likely to pollute the air with cigarette smoke and top off his coffee. I took a deep breath and slid out of my clothes, leaving them in a heap beside the door, then stretched a bit, enjoying the tension in the flex and bend.

I reached up to the ceiling with my hands and then brushed the carpet with my fingertips. A sigh escaped me as I slid my hand down my right side and arched in that direction, stretching the left side, enjoying the give up my ribs and on my hip. I repeated the movement on my left side, the sigh turning into a soft moan. Finally, with a small smile, I turned to the bed and arranged myself on it, my legs hanging off the foot of the mattress and feet brushing the floor.

It wasn’t long before he returned, set his coffee cup beside the bed and leaned over to kiss me. His “Good girl,” brought another happy sigh. He moved to my feet and rolled stockings up my legs, left first, smoothing the silky fabric up to my thighs before slipping his favorite black patent heels on my feet. He stood and ordered “Up.” So, I sat up, my eyes closed and a smile curving my lips. He slid the leather play collar over the skin of my throat and I leaned into it with a little moan. My breath stumbled as he clicked the lock closed and moved to remove my silver day collar from beneath the leather one. The feel of my pulse thudding against the leather collar blurred my mind as it always does.

I could feel him smile, though he stood above me. His thumbs found the pressure points on my shoulders and he pushed, eliciting louder moans. My eyes remained closed and he shoved me back on the bed. I landed with an ungraceful flop, my mind fogged. I heard him move away for a moment, a door closed, likely to the bathroom, but I was unconcerned and just lay there enjoying the state he brings me to with such little effort.

I heard him return, felt the bed dip with his weight and I made the herculean effort to open my eyes and look at him for a moment before he rolled me over onto my stomach. My eyes slid closed once more and I heard the murmur of the rope before I felt it. The soft scratch or the rope over the skin of my inner wrist brought a little squirm, my thighs rubbing together. He bound my wrists and pulled them toward the head of the bed. “How is my toy?” his voice rumbled in my ear.

I managed a response after a moment, “Good, Sir.” Again, I could feel his smile as he moved away from me. I do so love that smile. He ran a hand down my back and over my bottom, and then dipped fingers between my legs. Two fingers, three, I couldn’t tell anymore from the pleasure he wrought. The bed moved again as he wrapped his hand around my hair, twisted the bun and pressed my face into the mattress.

“Cum, toy,” he commanded. I began the orgasm, tensing my muscles and my body obeyed. My pussy clenched around his fingers and my abdominals pulsed along with them, curling my body. He finally relented and stopped moving his fingers and the orgasm abated slowly.

“Thank you, Sir,” I murmured, but he yanked my head back and clamped his pussy dampened hand over my mouth and nose. I dimly heard “Good cunt.” as I fought to breathe. I struggled to pull my hands down to claw at the hand halting my breath. My entire body tightened as the need for air intensified. How long has his hand kept me from breathing? I don’t know anymore. My world narrowed to my body’s need for oxygen and his hand that controls me so.

“You can cum when you can breathe,” I heard. The words seemed to resound in my ears. My eyes have opened now, on the verge of panic, despite my knowledge that my Sir would never damage what is His. His hand now holds back a scream as well as the air, a barrier both ways. And then it is gone.

An orgasm rushes through me as breath sobs in and out of me until the intensity of it stops the panted moans again and again. All thought is gone and all that exists is this. All that has ever been and all that will be is caught in that moment of ecstasy. Slowly the orgasm subsided and I could feel his hand in my hair still, his fingers stroking my face.

“Thank you, Sir,” I managed hoarsely.

“Mmmmm good girl,” I received. Then he entered me. “Lie still, I want to fuck my toy,” he ordered. If I could have spoken I would have replied with a “yessir” but my voice was engaged in a long low moan with the feel of his cock moving inside my pussy. His hand moved to pull my head back by my collar while he braced himself with the other. I wanted to cum. I wanted to beg to cum, but knew that if he wanted an orgasm from me, he would say so. I fought it desperately, my body tightened with the battle against my need to orgasm. Guttural cries echoed from my open mouth unhindered by the pressure on my throat from his hold on the collar.

“Are you needy, toy?” he asked me.

My response was another moan and a roughly spoken “Yessirrr”.

“Aren't you a lucky girl that I like to feel you cum? If I didn’t, you wouldn't get to," he reminded me, which made my struggle against orgasm even more difficult. “You may cum when I do, toy.”

I accomplished another croaked “Yessir” and dug my fingernails into the palms of my bound hands as he thrust into me harder and faster. My breath automatically stopped in the fight against the need to cum. I could hear my pulse thump in my ears, the blood rushing unsteadily through my veins until I felt like I might fail him. A moment longer and I might not be able to obey his command against orgasm.

“Release, cunt. Cum for me, toy,” he growled and the world was gone. My pussy contracted around his cock and I felt his cum fill me, felt him twitch and throb inside me then I was gone, lost in this incredibly severe ecstasy that he draws from me. I came until my abs ached from it and still it did not stop. I came until my stomach churned with it and still it continued. Slowly the intensity faded, but I felt him pull out of me and it came again in painfully pleasurable waves until finally it faded from me.

I whispered a “Thank you, Sir” weakly and he pulled my head to his cock. I licked and sucked him clean and drifted for a while with it in my mouth before he patted the bed next to him. With a soft sigh, I curled up half beside him, half draped over him and listened to his heartbeat, my head on his chest.

This. This is bliss. Utterly used and happily satisfied.

Quietly.

“Thank you, Sir.”

“Good girl.”

© surrina booke 2013
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This short Fuckdoll story at the request of BookAddict on GoodReads. It is very close to being qualified as reality as it is very much about my life and my journey. This story is mostly a compilation of parts from scenes between myself and my Sir. The piece in its entirety is imagined, but quite possibly real and I just blended one scene into another as my mind so often does… it does sound quite like my Sir and me.

~E's Surri

1/20-1/26 Reviewed.

This week has been a blur. Between being sick and heavily medicated and being busy and … heavily medicated, I don’t remember a lot of it. Friday, though, stands clearly in my mind. A wonderful day that left me full of smiles, begun with a great walk with a new friend that energized and encouraged me. Moving on to taking care of some business with car and work and then my Sir. He surprised me with a visit. I was over at his place making use of the internet to get my work done faster and he called, told me I needed to get naked, get some heels on and play with myself for him… my mind really wanted to say “but ..but I’m so busy! I have so many things that I need to get done and .. and… and…” but then I reminded myself (and he helped remind me) that there must be a reason that he wants me to do this because he knows that I have a ton of stuff to do. 

I’m so glad that I obeyed my Sir…. Because he came to check up on me. Because I’m sure that, had I protested, he wouldn’t have been as pleased. Because knowing that I pleased him, and then feeling it made me feel so gooood. That left me feeling so special that he took the time to surprise me that way and that he even thought to do so. I’ve been missing him so much, but I’ve been missing feeling his control just as much. It was exactly what I needed. It made me feel controlled, owned and cherished. I know that I am those things, but to feel them so completely was magnificent.

Then Friday night, to get to go to the opera with a group of lovely ladies that I can be my true self around. We saw Madame Butterfly and I got to sit cuddling with my beloved Sister the entire show, holding her hand, caressing her knee, enjoying her arm around me and after the curtain, to kiss her goodnight in the drizzling rain not caring that our friends were around us… that was liberating, beautiful and wonderful. I fell into bed that night with a smile on my face that nothing could have wiped away. My good mood is still carrying me, though it’s been dented here and there by this and that, but having a day filled with love, friends and fun definitely recharged my happy battery. 

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercises #28 & #29

28) Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that.

Yes to all, but I really don’t feel comfortable sharing details on this one with the World Wide Web. In handling it, I stepped back, re-evaluated and brought myself back on the course that I desired most.

29) Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

Pain, yes. Humiliation, by that name is not a part of my submission. Humility, however, is. I am a sadomasochist, so pain is part of our play as well as punishment. The purpose behind the pain alters my reception and reaction to it.

 I do embrace the pain both as a part of my submission and as something entirely separate. Being sadistic as well as masochistic means that I have to give not only my desire to be hurt but my desire to hurt others to my Sir, including him.... especially him. Holding sadism and masochism separate from the typical concepts of Dominant and submissive means that I do not associate one with the other. I've seen submissive sadists and masochistic Dominants. 

While pain is often a tool used in power exchange, it is not something that only goes one way. When we learn to let go of those preconceived notions that Dominants deal the pain and submissives accept it an entire new realm of possibilities appears, leaning more toward the primal side of human nature. One must yield and another must triumph in order for the balance to be found, but, in the balance, both have won. 

A Year...

A year tonight at midnight since our first kiss… since the expression of that desire for more than just a play partner or the rigger/rope bunny relationship. From a message prompted by an adorable little kitten photo on the profile of a guy that made an interesting comment on I don’t remember exactly what to… this. To having his collar around my throat, hearing the chime of his bells on my ankle as I move, and having my heart more than full with love for this man that continues to amaze me.  

It’s been a wonderful, complicated, and convoluted year. He and I have become We… and more. I am so grateful for everything that he gives me. His love, his strength, and his guidance. His support, his care, and his brutality. His control, his rope, and his touch. He’s brought me more than I have ever hoped for. Often, all I have to do is look at him to be overwhelmed with awe at this beautiful thing we share. This… more than love. 

Thank you, Sir, for that kiss and for everything that has followed. Is tusa mo Rogha. Tá grá agam duit.

~His_Surri

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercises #22-#27

22) Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

Yes,  it’s very frustrating and exhausting, but there are little things. Like goals I set for myself. A new skill to learn, a study on manners, etiquette, rituals, protocol, something. It’s especially difficult for me when I don’t feel like I’m progressing and there’s nothing to keep my mind occupied. If my mind is left alone to run amok then bad things happen and depression sets in. I still struggle with this even though I do have a dominant partner, especially when I feel that I am unable to contact him freely. I don’t exactly handle it well, but I try to cope with my feelings. It would be easier if I was able to be more involved in the local community or felt able to express some form of submission in action and attitude without being shunned, ridiculed or berated in this house where I live, but that’s just something I have to deal with right now. Submission isn’t just something I do. It’s a part of who I am, it’s what I term my “default setting” being anything else takes effort that I can’t always muster.

23) Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

Sometimes I worry that my children suffer from my submissive nature. It is extremely difficult for me to remain consistent in discipline because of it. Both of my children have more dominant natures right now than I do and it’s a struggle for me to retain control of them. Having an outlet for my submission has helped a great deal, but I still worry that they’ll walk all over me as teens. My family and I don’t really get along well but that’s due to more than my submissive nature, but it is in part.

I also worry that my ex-husband may use my involvement in BDSM as leverage to attempt to take my kids from me. That is, I think, my greatest fear, but this is a part of who I am. Not doing it is no longer an option if I wish to stay truly happy.

24) What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

Access my submission? My submission is always there. I don’t really… “access” it. I’d debate that submission has its own emotion. One that is only describable as a submissive emotion.

25) Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals? 

My Collar because it is a symbol of pride that I am owned, a reminder of to whom I belong, and a declaration to the world that I am his. My Slave Bell Anklet because it reminds me of my position; its chime guides my movements and reminds me that every one is made for my Owner. My Rope Cuff because my Sir made it for me and it was our first symbol of my submission to him… and it’s rope. My Hemp Collar because it was my first collar and it’s hemp and E surprised me with it. My Corner because it is reminiscent of my Spot at my Sir’s feet and because I have been trained that my focus is on him and my submission to him in this place. My Devotion because it is my ritual focusing all of myself on my service to E and his pleasure in it.

26) What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

Integrity. Strength. Ingenuity. Determination. Honesty. Open Communication. My Sir has also shown me a quality that I had discounted before but value so much in him: A considerate spirit. I do also have a need for rope and a comfort level conducive for deep connected submission but I don’t know of any other musts.

27) Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

Sort of. I have fantasies of being the victim in a bound gang bang. I have rape fantasies. I fantasize about being bound and blindfolded and used as a party favor. I sometimes want to be fucked until I pass out from it… and not care who does it. I know these types of things carry a lot of risks and it is for that reason that I have not pursued them. These risks scare me. The consequences of these fantasies being a reality could be long term and could possibly affect my children. Sometimes it’s best to let the fantasy remain fantasy. 

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercises #18 & #19

 Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?
When I have an opinion, I state it. Otherwise, I’ve always had difficulty making decisions. I prefer for the choices to be made for me, if I have an issue with the choice that is made, then I will make it known… Right now, not always in the most respectful manner, but I’m getting better with that. 
E and I have both noted that communication seems to just come so easily with us. It’s easy for me to be utterly me with him and I would hope the same is true of him with me. It’s easier for me to let him know what I want and need but so often I don’t need to… So very often it’s instinctive. 
So, communication, for us, isn’t always verbal, or if it is, it isn’t always lingual, but it seems to get the point across wonderfully. Without it, we wouldn’t be what we are.

 How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online? 
It varies. There are some that I seek out to talk to when I need another point of view. I love Fetlife for its connectedness and its interest groups. I am a member of a couple of ‘kink’ groups in my area, if that’s what you want to call them. But I rarely get to attend events thanks to my family and my ‘nilla obligations.
I’m not a super social person, and that follows through with my submission. I’m a homebody, I tend to want to stay at home and have others come to me… That being said, I have no qualms about having a damn good dinner or other form of get together at what I consider my home (where E lives.. where I live right now is just a house, not my home, but that’s another post) but I’m infinitely more comfortable in familiar surroundings with familiar expectations than I am going somewhere where I don’t know where anything is, have to ask what’s where and what I can or can’t use, and all that… with people I don’t know and well… I’m much more comfortable at home. Lol 
I stick closer to my “happy place” at E’s knee when I’m not comfortable with my surroundings. Granted, I’m there whenever I can be anyway, but it’s more needed rather than wanted when I am not at ease. The first time I went to an event for The Red Chair, I had a panic attack in the car before going in. I’d fought it the entire way there, and when I put the car in park I just broke down. I wasn’t with E then in any form… I don’t remember if I’d even met him at that point, but I had some other friends that were supposed to be there a few minutes later. If it hadn’t been for them and my Xanax I would never have made it out of my car that night. 
I’m very grateful that I did, as I love my TRC family, even if I don’t get to see them very often, but I’m still stepping outside of my comfort  zone with every event I attend. It’s a process and it’s getting better, but, suffice it to say, my submission is vaguely socially connected when it can be.

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercise #17

What does trust mean to you in the context of submission? 
Trust

noun /trəst/  trusts, plural 1.      Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something §  - relations have to be built on trust §  - they have been able to win the trust of the others 2.     Acceptance of the truth of a statement without evidence or investigation §  - I used only primary sources, taking nothing on trust 3.     The state of being responsible for someone or something §  - a man in a position of trust 4.     A person or duty for which one has responsibility §  - rulership is a trust from God 5.     A hope or expectation §  - all the great trusts of womanhood 6.     Confidence placed in a person by making that person the nominal owner of property to be held or used for the benefit of one or more others 7.     An arrangement whereby property is held in such a way §  - a trust was set up §  - the property is to be held in trust for his son verb /trəst/   trusted, past participle; trusted, past tense; trusting, present participle;trusts, 3rd person singular present 8.     Believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of §  - I should never have trusted her §  - he can be trusted to carry out an impartial investigation §  - a trusted adviser 9.     Allow someone to have, use, or look after (someone or something of importance or value) with confidence §  - I'd trust you with my life 10.   Commit (someone or something) to the safekeeping of §  - they don't like to trust their money to anyone outside the family 11.     Have confidence; hope (used as a polite formula in conversation) §  - I trust that you have enjoyed this book 12.    Have faith or confidence §  - she trusted in the powers of justice 13.    Place reliance on (luck, fate, or something else over which one has little control) §  - trusting to the cover of night, I ventured out

I have removed all the definitions that I did not feel related what “trust” means to me. I believe in my Sir. He believes in me. WE believe in US. We accept each other as we are. Faults, flaws and redemptions in one. Also, not only is E responsible for me, I am responsible for him. For his reputation and his wellbeing. He has my hope and my confidence and I… I am his property. We have an arrangement that I am to be “held in such a way”… lol Maybe not exactly the same, but I feel it still applies.

The verb though… “Believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of” wow. “Allow someone to have, use, or look after with confidence” oh and “Commit to the safekeeping of” those define the action of submission for me so well. Submission is trust. It cannot exist independently of trust. Not in a healthy manner. I place reliance on that which I have little control all the time because I have given that control to him. 

He has such a big job. In that one thing, I put so much on him. I need my trust in him. That reliance. To give him that control and have little of it. And I only want to give him more. I don’t see how he does it.

So trust in the context of submission… is everything. 

Begging

I think my issue with begging is that if I retain the mindfulness necessary to do it justice, I lose the pleasant state of being wherein I need not think, which is a highly desirable portion of my submission, and since words have great power with  me I prefer to choose important ones carefully, which takes thought. Anything that I would feel important enough to truly beg for would deserve such forethought. Also, since I hold words so dear, when I struggle against that mindlessness and stumble over my words it shames me to a degree and I don't like that at all. I feel stupid that I haven't been able to come up with better words to articulate that need/want better and that I have, in my blundering, shamed that which I ask for and my Sir, whom I ask it from. 

I do beg with actions. I'll rub my cheek against him, press it to his feet sometimes. When he's caning or spanking me or the like I'll often lift up one side of my bottom to ask for more there. I whimper, I whine. I pout and sometimes feel like I get those big pleading eyes ... but verbally, I totally fail at begging. My mind goes blank and there's nothing there but "please". While I do so enjoy that state, E has expressed a desire to hear me beg with more than whines and whimpers on occasion. So, he has asked me to come up with at least ten ways for me to ask him to allow me into his bed as a starting point...

Would it please you for your girl to sleep in your bed tonight, Sir?

Sir, have I been good enough to sleep in your bed tonight?

May I please get into your bed, Sir?

Please, Sir, may your girl get into your bed now?

Sir, your girl is tired. Does she have permission to get into your bed?

(and at this point I think I'd just fall asleep on the floor, but to continue the exercise..)

Sir, is there anything that I may do to be allowed in your bed tonight?

How may I earn a place in your bed tonight, Sir?

Please, may I sleep in your bed tonight, Sir, so that I may rest well and better serve you tomorrow?

Please, Sir, would you allow your girl the pleasure of sleeping in your bed tonight?

(and as I fall asleep on my knees....)

I'm sleepy. Can I come to bed now?

So. There are ten. I feel as if they're more formally asking than begging, but I refuse to lessen my self worth, grovel or attempt to promise things I don't intend to follow through with in order to get anything I want, nor do I think E would want that of me. I suppose that's why I feel that I need to have my wits about me at least partially in order to properly "beg". 

"Good Girl": Those Two Words

Recently a friend of mine wrote a piece on how hearing “good girl” from her partner (not necessarily Dominant in this case) caused her to endure something that she didn't want to do because she wanted to do it…. Yes, I know it sounds confusing at first, but after a bit of thought it makes sense. I sat for a while wondering if I should comment.. If her writing meant enough to me to want to applaud it, and I decided not to. Partly because it didn't align with me well. It moved me, obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be writing about it here, but hearing those two words isn't just a motivator to get me to do what E wants me to do. It isn't just a guide to help me get through something that I might not have been able to handle otherwise. Those two words are the goal at the end of my day. I know life is different for everyone and I’m glad that she has found some importance in this phrase, but it’s so much more to me than an enabler.

I haven’t heard those two words in too long now. I can’t remember how long it’s been.  A week? Two? Who knows, but I ache for them… It is this that seems to have kept me from being able to reply to her post.  I don’t feel that I’ve deserved them lately either.  I’ve been moody and whiney and have resisted doing things that I know I should do.. some even that he’s instructed me to do. And I haven’t always told him about it either…

 I have so many facets that it’s hard for me to keep up with what side of me is up today…  Is today the brat? The rope bunny? The toy? The wicked little sadomasochist? The service sub? The pet? The little girl? They’re all a part of me and often work together, but sometimes one portion of my submission needs more than the others. I don’t know why, it may be due to other aspects of my life, it may just be due to my mindset, but I’m feeling a little lost in them right now and I feel like I need to pick one for now. Find one that suits this melancholy and irritated self that I’ve been.

I feel like I’m so much work… so much trouble. My shifty attitude, my baggage, my complications, my apparently rollercoaster emotions.  What I feel I need is so ever shifting how can I expect anyone to keep up? But it seems E does. He manages my fits and works with my complications. He accepts all my baggage and helps me sort through it. He takes my attitude in stride and adjusts it should he need to... at least most of the time. He does so well, that I often feel lost when I can’t lean on him.

I rely on him for so much. The positive reinforcement of “good girl” is my cue that it’s ok to rely on him for all that. That what I’m doing is what he needs, just as much as what he does is what I need… without it, I feel like I’m not doing my job… Those two words are the ruler against which I measure myself.

Now, I’m not sure why I haven’t heard them lately. It may very well be that he’s using other words to attempt some variety... or that he’s just not thought of it… It may be that he’s said them, but my current state has rejected them… or that he is actually displeased with me for something or another, but I miss them. I need to hear these words. I may totally break down when I do hear them again, and E will once again pick up my pieces, but I need it. I need to be his good girl again, whatever else I may be.

I’m sorry for the disjointedness of this post, but I felt that I had to get this out somewhere and that if I took the time to edit it, I wouldn’t post it. I dunno. Maybe I’m looking for problems where there aren’t any, but, to borrow a phrase from Madeline’s Ms. Clavel, “Something is not right!” 

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercise #14

 Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

Yes, in its way, my faith does influence my submission. I wouldn’t call my method of submission a ‘biblical submission’ but God’s word does dictate my actions. He is my Master. No other will be addressed as such. I am a Christian. I consider myself nondenominational, but I am a follower of Christ. Does that mean I’m perfect? Absolutely not, whoever came up with the idea that Christians are supposed to be perfect needed a reality check.

I struggle with my submission sometimes. I struggled with living my faith like I was told I was supposed to more. I grew up in and still attend a Baptist church yet I agree with very little that is taught there. However, my pastor preached a sermon recently on the mind of Christ and I was overwhelmed. I thought, FINALLY. This is something worth discussing. His three points were Submission, Service, and Sacrifice. I FELT that sermon as I have felt so few. And yet, the people around me heard the same words and were unaffected, unaltered. Not even a stoic “amen”. I wasn’t expecting a sudden conversion to the more enthusiastic Pentacostal, but seriously? Why is the topic of submission so overlooked?

I am aware that there must be leaders if there are to be followers, but when all try to lead… it becomes a great big mess. Some people are called to it. Others, like myself, are called to submission. I know my place, I cherish it now that I’ve found it. I can feel when I am out of it. I don’t believe that every Christian is called to follow the path of submission, but it is a much overlooked one. The meaning of “submit” has been shoved under the rug and lost in churches such as mine, where it should be cherished just as much as the leaders of the church are.

There can be no true equality in any situation. Yes, we have similar opportunities, but in any relationship, be it friendship, corporate, or evangelical, there will be a situation of the leader and the lead. It may shift. It may not. But it will happen.

I feel that the submissive spirit is frowned upon. Utterly unwelcome. It saddens me to see people cringe when they hear “I am a slave of Christ” oooh slave.. slaves have no choices, we have choices.. let’s use “servant” instead.. yeah.. UGH!!!! Slave. A willing slave.

Maybe it’s my experience as a submissive in the BDSM world that gives me such a unique view of this, but it’s a fierce neglect where I am and it breaks my heart that my efforts to correct it have fallen flat.

Ok… rant over. Anyway. Yes. Obviously my faith/religion/whateveryouchoosetocallit influences my submission. To each their own.

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercises #12 & #13

 Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

Yes. E and I have a loose budget set for me right now. We don’t live together at the moment (unfortunately, but I’m trying to be patient on that) so it’s difficult to create an itemized budget, and I don’t know that he’d want to do that even if we were living together.

We have an entire portion of our Rule Book dedicated to Finances and Employment… I’ll just copy paste it here…

Finances and Employment

1.      Each party understands that prior to engagement of said relationship both have acquired certain personal property and wealth. These items do not become the property of the Owner once the relationship has been entered into that they remain the sole responsibility of their owner. Should the Submissive desire to relinquish any or all property then she may do so and then and only then does it become the responsibility of the Owner.

2.      The Submissive understands that she is expected to complete her college degree.

3.      A budget will be set for the Submissive regardless her state of employment. Any deviation from that budget is considered worthy of punishment as seen fit by the Owner.

4.      The Submissive must propose all major expenditures to the Owner for approval; this includes any singular purchase over $50 and any unnecessary purchase for pleasure or recreation over $20 with the exclusion of items that may be returned for full refunds, in which case the item must be approved by the Owner as soon as possible after purchase and with the receipt.

5.      Should the Submissive maintain gainful employment outside the home after the relationship has been entered into then all moneys and accumulation by the Submissive belong to the Submissive, however the Owner maintains all final decisions and shall allow the Submissive to discuss matters regarding investments and moneys spent for the benefit of the relationship. Both parties agree that while at work neither shall do or cause to happen anything that may jeopardize the others employment, understanding that each must maintain bills and together, a household.

6.      Should the Submissive not be required to maintain gainful employment outside the home, her duties shall be maintaining the family and the home ensuring that it is kept proper and clean at all times and that meals are prepared in accordance with the Owner's wishes and in doing so fulfills her financial obligations to the home. The Owner shall maintain any medical insurance necessary and assume financial responsibility for the Submissive. The Owner shall also establish a savings fund for the Submissive and maintain it, contributing to it regularly so that should the relationship dissolve the Submissive has a means to sustain herself until she may either find gainful employment or make other arrangements.

I don’t pay him. He doesn’t pay me. He guides me and helps me prepare for my future and the future of my children… and our future together. I know there are other arrangements that aren’t so… advantageous. I am blessed to have a good man as my Dominant; a good man that loves and takes good care of his girl. 

I don't like the concept of turning over one's entire income to a Dominant that one is not married to or without other legal provisions. I don't like the thought of a Dominant not caring for his submissive's future financially if such a situation is arranged. I've heard horror stories of subs that turn over their entire life, including money, to a Dominant and when they are, for some reason, released, they are turned out without a penny or a place to go. I am aware that this is not the norm, but it frightens me to know that it happens sometimes. 

I often have trouble with numbers and I struggle with impulse buying. This is the reason I have never and do not currently have a credit card. I realize that this is something I need help with and, as with everything else, I turn to my Sir for it. I update him with my account balance occasionally, though he doesn't require it, so that he can know how well or how poorly I am managing what I have. Yes, it's another measure of submission, but I really don't make the effort for it. It's just what seems right. I know that if I am not held accountable for this more than once a month I will more than likely spend more than is needed on things that aren't needed and be without money for the things that I do need... like gas or money for a bill. E helps keep me on track. 

Quite often I've been late for a bill payment. Quite often I've missed a bill payment... for absolutely no reason... just because no one made me pay it, I suppose... Now I have someone to make me and I'm grateful for it. 

 Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?

Yes, I am always to be available sexually to my Sir. It is this way because we both enjoy it. There are limits, our safety, the safety and well being of my children, and our public reputations dictate the appropriateness of time and place, but otherwise… that’s pretty much it. I belong to him, he uses me when he wants… ok. Sometimes when I want too. ;) but that’s easy as I usually ‘want’.

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercize #11

Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

Yes, I include service as part of the expectations of my submission. I haven't really in previous relationships, at least not consciously, but in my relationship with E it seems to have been a natural development. It bothers me if he takes his dishes to the sink. It upsets me if he takes mine... I find that I really enjoy the feeling I get from making his coffee just so and bringing it to him. I even enjoy cleaning his bathroom... Because it's his. It's taking care of my Dominant. It's seeing that his life is made easier because of me. It's part of making him happy... of feeling the way I do when he obviously appreciates the things I have done for him. Taking care of him, his surroundings, his belongings, and his needs is where I feel the most HIS. I feel a bit lost when I'm not able to do something for him. If he is busy and I can't help it unsettles me to a degree. I want to be doing something for him consciously whenever possible. I'm still exploring this need and I feel that I probably will be for a long time as there are so many possible aspects of it. Right now I'm just doing what feels right most of the time, as E doesn't really require most of this from me... it just seems to come.

I was rather surprised at this development with us for several reasons. One of those reasons being that my ex-husband attempted to push me into a servile mindset more than once and I resisted it strongly. So much so that it was one of the many reasons I divorced him. It is odd to me that I want to clean for E and make his bed and wash his clothes and shine his shoes and do all those little things that I trudge through in any other situation... but when it's HIS... it's different. It's spreading too. So that as long as I can keep the mindset that whatever I am doing is for him and I can gain his pleasure out of whatever my task is, I find an odd joy in it. At least when nothing else interferes with the mindset.

This... I am still adjusting to.

I don't feel that I've at all answered all there is on this topic, but I feel that, to do it justice, I will return to it at another time. Until then, I'll move on. 

~Surri

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercise #10

Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?

Yeah. BDSM is a part of my relationship. E is pretty active in the local kinky community and I would be if I had more opportunity. Bondage is a yes, I love rope in particular but I enjoy pretty much any kind of bondage… at least all the types I’ve tried. Discipline is in there too. Dominance and submission obviously play a big role in our relationship. Sadomasochism is there as well. So I suppose we have the whole shebang. hahaha

As far as its importance, I know that one day I probably won’t be so keen on E purpling my butt with bruises and that one day he probably won’t be able to. There will be a time when his fingers can no longer tie the knots and I can no longer kneel or stand still long enough for him to bind me (that’s an issue already lol!). Despite that, the Dominance and submission and even discipline, I feel, will remain. 

So, some aspects of it are integral to my submission, but others… time will eventually push them aside. It’s not all whips and chains and blood and pain, though those are sometimes included. In that complex acronym there is a way of living, a way of thinking that is, to me, beautiful and that lasts much longer than the mere moments of pain or bondage. 

How is a Submissive Like a Shoe?

No, no. This isn’t one of those “How is a raven like a writing desk?” jokes… But how in the world is a submissive person like a shoe? I’m getting to that.

Disclaimer: My thoughts are my thoughts… you may not agree with them and I in no way want to tell you how you should do things.

One of the things I’ve been doing lately for E, when I get the chance, is caring for his shoes. Cleaning them, polishing them, etc. I don’t get the opportunity often, because I don’t get much time with him, but I’ve been thinking about it and about how I feel while I’m doing it. It’s a bit like the mirrors I mentioned in a previous post. I want to do my best because it’s for him, but also, it’s a bit more…

His shoes are something he uses every day, pretty much all day to protect his feet. With 26 bones, 33 joints, 107 ligaments, 19 muscles and tendons in each foot, the 52 bones in both feet make up about 25% of all the bones in the body and, though the foot has evolved over time, stepping on sharp rocks, broken glass, and stubbing the toes are still pretty unavoidable risks without shoes. The right shoe can prevent or alleviate foot, ankle, knee, hip, and back pains, while the wrong choice can worsen or cause similar pains. Bad or worn out shoes can even cause misalignment in the spine and lead to problems throughout the entire body.  A shoe isn’t just a mirror he glances into on his way by; it’s something that, in its way, defends him.

Are you beginning to see the similarities now? The right submissive can prevent or alleviate pains (troubles, stressors, drama, etc.) and the wrong one can cause or worsen it! Being the right submissive (at least we both feel so at the moment), I should seek to relieve his stresses, soothe him or avoid them altogether. I mention that bad or worn out shoes can even cause misalignment of the spine and lead to problems throughout the body; this is also true of submissive persons. I may not call the shots, but the attitude of my service and the efficiency in which I complete my tasks can very well make or break the entire order of things. Now, I’m not talking about a person that submits for kicks and giggles (though I do that, too sometimes), but a person that lives this way, that feels submission in their core, whether naturally or as a calling. But I, in my way, should defend him as I can by making his life as stress free and well ordered as possible. He, in turn, relieves my stress by taking the weight of decision from me in most cases… among other things. ;)

Shoes also play a factor in the image a person presents. Whether in a corporate, casual, kinky or other setting, the way we look is often the first impression we make. While, shoes may seem a minor part of that image, they have more of an influence than one might think. An unwise choice can make an expensive outfit look cheap and stylish outfit look, well, absurd. And then they make us look, well, cheap or absurd. If the shoes are unkempt, it indicates a lack of care, a rough life, and if they’re not designed for the rough, then that judgment is also a judgment of us. No matter what’s on the inside. We should not be deceived by shoes, just as we shouldn’t be fooled by clothes, but we often are.

In caring for E’s shoes, I care for the image he presents to the world. Those shoes say a lot about this man I love… They’ve obviously been walked in. They’re creased and have a few scuffs and you can tell they’ve been worn and worn often. To me this says “He does.” He does a lot of things and I struggle often to keep up and work my way into his busy life when I can. Even when he’s not going and doing, his mind is still working on something for when he is going and doing. Despite being worn in, the shoes are clean and have a good sheen. They’re well cared for, even when I can’t care for them. And he cares about what he does too. No matter what it is, he puts care and focus into what he’s doing. 

I’ve noticed when this starts slipping, so do the shoes. When he gets caught up in something or another and stops putting that care and focus into his actions, the shoes might stay dusty and unpolished for a while. Now, this may be just my perception due to difficulties we’ve had lately, but it seems to be the case.

My image reflects on him as well. I am his. It is known that I am his. My grooming, my actions, my manners, my habits, my dress and all the things that make up how others view me, these things affect how others view him too.

Shoes can also be confidence boosters. I know how I feel in a favorite pair of heels. Teens whine and beg for the latest pop star’s or sports star’s brand because imitating their favorite star makes them feel “cool” (Do they still use that term?). It’s a brain thing. It just makes you feel good to wear great shoes. Call it a morale booster, a matter of pride, whatever.  Why do you think we pay so much for designer shoes? (ok.. I don’t, but some people do…) I want my Sir to feel good about himself when he’s wearing those shoes. I want my Sir to feel good about himself when he’s wearing me too… hahaha but you get the point.

So yes, in a way, I’m like these shoes. It makes sense for me to care for them, just as I care for myself. Well and with him in mind. 

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercises #7, #8 and #9

Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?

Absolutely. I feel that I need the discipline and/or punishments because it keeps my mindset in place, and because I have such issues with my self control that such consequences make me better behaved. Without it, I tend to return to a self focus and that is something I do not like. I am immensely happier when focused on serving and not on what I want because listening to what I want most of the time would have unpleasant results on my attitude, my relationships, my weight, my health and my appearance. 

If I go by what I want, I may want to sit on the couch and chow down on an entire pack of Oreos instead of doing laundry, knowing that it’s not good for me... wait... I have done that… If I didn’t have the punishment, my self-discipline would disappear pretty quickly and I’d most likely just do what I wanted, even knowing that it’s not good for me. Because I know that doing so would get me in trouble with E, it is immensely easier for me to resist that temptation. I need the accountability because, alone, I can talk myself into or out of damn near anything whether it’s helpful or harmful.

Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

Yes. I may consider myself masochistic, but with the attitude of displeasure and intent of punishment behind pain, it can cause even something I enjoy to bring repentant tears.

Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

Definitely. I need structure and rules and limits are there for safety. I need to know what’s expected of me and what I can expect from my Dominant. If I don’t, I don’t feel comfortable at all. Structure is something I’ve always sought, I think. I am, by nature a rather chaotic individual and I recognize my need for regularity and routine as well as known consequences and results for expected actions…. If that makes any sense whatsoever.

I need the reassurance of the “If/then” statements and feel  much more secure when I am aware of my fence. I may bump against it from time to time, I may even shove at it, jump it, or attempt to rip it to shreds, but I need it and I prefer for it to bump me rather than for me to bump it. I need to know how much is too much and I don’t want to have to be or do too much in order for me to find out.

I need rules (shh don’t tell the adolescent me…) because without them, I feel lost. They’re the links in the chain connecting me to my Anchor and without them, I’d be totally adrift, just floating there, waiting for the waves of change that life tosses my way to overwhelm me and leave me directionless and wandering.

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercise #6

What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

All of the above. There are roots in many places. Part of my submission branches from how I was raised, the way that I was taught to think of myself and of others, the social skills I developed, and expectations that I was brought up learning. Part of it, I feel, is simply natural; it is a basic urge for me as well as a taught one.

E and I do make use of a domestic discipline to a degree, though not in a traditional sense, I don't think. He does use specific 'exercises' to encourage my submission and enforce the rules we have agreed on. My submission to him is a large part of our relationship, I find joy in it and it is the major way I express my love for him. I have problems making decisions so giving him that control is a great stress reliever too. In its way, my submission is also a "sexual thrill". His sexual control over me arouses me like little else.

My submission also has roots in my spiritual beliefs. As a Christian, I am encouraged to "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21 NIV)  and yes, that's an attitude of submission, of respect, of putting the other person before oneself, of giving and expecting nothing, not even acknowledgment, in return.  The Geneva Study Bible says this of this particular verse, " ..the end to which all things ought to be referred, to serve one another for God's sake." That, I feel, sums it up rather nicely.

All these things work together to create the totality of my submission; the different aspects and the varied ways I display it reflect each of them. My submission in Christ was less before I grew in my other submissive origins. My submission to E is better because of my submission in Christ. I am a better daughter and person for embracing both and acknowledging that I need the guidance that being my submissive self provides. One might say my submission has a well developed root system... ;)

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercise #4 & #5

Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?

Being a mom of two kids is more than enough to squelch any dominant urges I might have. Sexual dominance has never appealed to me much. I've tried it, topped a couple of times, just to see if I'd like it, and I really don't like the person I was when I was in that headspace. I was a total bitch and I don't like that word at all or what I was. It wasn't me.

There will always be things that I 'maintain control over' to some degree. My contact with my family, my children, and such. There will be times when I have to be the one that's in control of the situation, as much as I dislike it. That's just my life. I can't live in a bubble.

I don't at all consider myself a switch, I am capable, but it's not healthy and not desired.

Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

I have been in what was, on the surface a Dominant/submissive dynamic relationship before, but it was not nearly to the depth of what I am in currently. I consider that more training as I learned a lot about myself while I was there, and about BDSM as well. I've had play partners along the way that have helped me because of my friendships with them and my relationships with them as well had a vague aspect of D/s. All relationships do to some degree, but I was made aware of it. It made me think, made me consider my behavior more because of my relationship with them. I attempt to keep that perspective with all my relationships now. To know where I stand and act accordingly.

My first D/s romantic relationship was turbulent and foolish. I felt I was being forced into a mold made for someone else... and I still wanted it because I wanted to please the dominant in the relationship. None of us knew what we were really doing, what we really wanted or what we could really offer, but it helped us all learn. There are still some unseen scars to fade from that for me, but with time, the scars either become a reminder of lessons learned or a beautiful symbol of my journey. Often both.

My current relationship is more... thought through. Not a mere impulse, I've carefully considered all that I've learned that I can offer and all that I now know that I need and have found that they match well with my Sir. I've never felt more free because I am not only accepted for who and what I am, but I am cherished. Exactly as I am. Will some changes be made? Well yeah. Life is change. I'm still learning, but I know more now than I did then. Enough to accept that I'll always be learning and to appreciate that fact.

Random common factor: both dominants I've had have both been HEAVY coffee drinkers....

The odd thing is that with both relationships neither were intentional... at least on my part. The relationship was purely platonic to start. Looking back, I feel that it might not have been completely so on the part of my first dominant, but that is past. I slid into lust and didn't restrict myself to keep my safety in mind. I gave too easily. With E, the relationship was also purely platonic in the beginning with the intent of friendship and rope practice, but there was little slide in this... it was more like being plunged beneath a waterfall. I wasn't even attracted to him at first, then when I saw him again, my body went haywire and I just had to catch up to it. I held back, because he had made it clear that he wasn't interested in anything more than a friend and a practice rope bunny, but apparently he fell too.. (I'd like to hear/read his side of this...) because the next thing I know he's telling me that he wants me for more than just a bit of rope and play. The thrill that ran through me when I read his message, "I want a some sort of a claim on you" is a memory I cherish. Talk about a SQUEEEE! moment...