A Year...

A year tonight at midnight since our first kiss… since the expression of that desire for more than just a play partner or the rigger/rope bunny relationship. From a message prompted by an adorable little kitten photo on the profile of a guy that made an interesting comment on I don’t remember exactly what to… this. To having his collar around my throat, hearing the chime of his bells on my ankle as I move, and having my heart more than full with love for this man that continues to amaze me.  

It’s been a wonderful, complicated, and convoluted year. He and I have become We… and more. I am so grateful for everything that he gives me. His love, his strength, and his guidance. His support, his care, and his brutality. His control, his rope, and his touch. He’s brought me more than I have ever hoped for. Often, all I have to do is look at him to be overwhelmed with awe at this beautiful thing we share. This… more than love. 

Thank you, Sir, for that kiss and for everything that has followed. Is tusa mo Rogha. Tá grá agam duit.

~His_Surri

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercises #22-#27

22) Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

Yes,  it’s very frustrating and exhausting, but there are little things. Like goals I set for myself. A new skill to learn, a study on manners, etiquette, rituals, protocol, something. It’s especially difficult for me when I don’t feel like I’m progressing and there’s nothing to keep my mind occupied. If my mind is left alone to run amok then bad things happen and depression sets in. I still struggle with this even though I do have a dominant partner, especially when I feel that I am unable to contact him freely. I don’t exactly handle it well, but I try to cope with my feelings. It would be easier if I was able to be more involved in the local community or felt able to express some form of submission in action and attitude without being shunned, ridiculed or berated in this house where I live, but that’s just something I have to deal with right now. Submission isn’t just something I do. It’s a part of who I am, it’s what I term my “default setting” being anything else takes effort that I can’t always muster.

23) Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

Sometimes I worry that my children suffer from my submissive nature. It is extremely difficult for me to remain consistent in discipline because of it. Both of my children have more dominant natures right now than I do and it’s a struggle for me to retain control of them. Having an outlet for my submission has helped a great deal, but I still worry that they’ll walk all over me as teens. My family and I don’t really get along well but that’s due to more than my submissive nature, but it is in part.

I also worry that my ex-husband may use my involvement in BDSM as leverage to attempt to take my kids from me. That is, I think, my greatest fear, but this is a part of who I am. Not doing it is no longer an option if I wish to stay truly happy.

24) What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

Access my submission? My submission is always there. I don’t really… “access” it. I’d debate that submission has its own emotion. One that is only describable as a submissive emotion.

25) Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals? 

My Collar because it is a symbol of pride that I am owned, a reminder of to whom I belong, and a declaration to the world that I am his. My Slave Bell Anklet because it reminds me of my position; its chime guides my movements and reminds me that every one is made for my Owner. My Rope Cuff because my Sir made it for me and it was our first symbol of my submission to him… and it’s rope. My Hemp Collar because it was my first collar and it’s hemp and E surprised me with it. My Corner because it is reminiscent of my Spot at my Sir’s feet and because I have been trained that my focus is on him and my submission to him in this place. My Devotion because it is my ritual focusing all of myself on my service to E and his pleasure in it.

26) What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

Integrity. Strength. Ingenuity. Determination. Honesty. Open Communication. My Sir has also shown me a quality that I had discounted before but value so much in him: A considerate spirit. I do also have a need for rope and a comfort level conducive for deep connected submission but I don’t know of any other musts.

27) Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

Sort of. I have fantasies of being the victim in a bound gang bang. I have rape fantasies. I fantasize about being bound and blindfolded and used as a party favor. I sometimes want to be fucked until I pass out from it… and not care who does it. I know these types of things carry a lot of risks and it is for that reason that I have not pursued them. These risks scare me. The consequences of these fantasies being a reality could be long term and could possibly affect my children. Sometimes it’s best to let the fantasy remain fantasy. 

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercises #20 & #21

 Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

Yes. My submission is situational, I think. Submission is a constant, but the persons and the environments involved and the things going on in my life alter how present my submission is in my mind. I have had to renegotiate my submission because I simply could not handle the stresses brought on by a combination of new and challenging rules, a recent divorce, two children, work and contemplating returning to school at the time. Submission is like walking a balance beam.. not quite as treacherous as a tightrope  (haha) but still a challenge to maintain equilibrium within one’s self and one’s relationships as well as one’s responsibilities. I suppose what I mean is that my submission increases and decreases from moment to moment. It’s a constant fluctuation in order to maintain balance in the circus that is my life.

Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

I don’t know if it “makes” me feel most submissive, but the position that I feel most submissive in, and I feel expresses my submission best is to kneel at my Owner’s feet, wrap my arms around his legs and rest my head on the tops of his feet. There is also my “happy place” which varies between a modified nadu with my head on my Owner’s knee and my hands on his ankle or my arms and legs wrapped around his leg. As well as a position kneeling with my knees wide, hips up, arms outstretched on the floor before me.

These don’t really have names for me at the moment… We've so far avoided using most of the usual names for positions and we haven’t really gotten much into position training, but those three really take me to my deepest submissive mindset, I think. 

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercises #18 & #19

 Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?
When I have an opinion, I state it. Otherwise, I’ve always had difficulty making decisions. I prefer for the choices to be made for me, if I have an issue with the choice that is made, then I will make it known… Right now, not always in the most respectful manner, but I’m getting better with that. 
E and I have both noted that communication seems to just come so easily with us. It’s easy for me to be utterly me with him and I would hope the same is true of him with me. It’s easier for me to let him know what I want and need but so often I don’t need to… So very often it’s instinctive. 
So, communication, for us, isn’t always verbal, or if it is, it isn’t always lingual, but it seems to get the point across wonderfully. Without it, we wouldn’t be what we are.

 How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online? 
It varies. There are some that I seek out to talk to when I need another point of view. I love Fetlife for its connectedness and its interest groups. I am a member of a couple of ‘kink’ groups in my area, if that’s what you want to call them. But I rarely get to attend events thanks to my family and my ‘nilla obligations.
I’m not a super social person, and that follows through with my submission. I’m a homebody, I tend to want to stay at home and have others come to me… That being said, I have no qualms about having a damn good dinner or other form of get together at what I consider my home (where E lives.. where I live right now is just a house, not my home, but that’s another post) but I’m infinitely more comfortable in familiar surroundings with familiar expectations than I am going somewhere where I don’t know where anything is, have to ask what’s where and what I can or can’t use, and all that… with people I don’t know and well… I’m much more comfortable at home. Lol 
I stick closer to my “happy place” at E’s knee when I’m not comfortable with my surroundings. Granted, I’m there whenever I can be anyway, but it’s more needed rather than wanted when I am not at ease. The first time I went to an event for The Red Chair, I had a panic attack in the car before going in. I’d fought it the entire way there, and when I put the car in park I just broke down. I wasn’t with E then in any form… I don’t remember if I’d even met him at that point, but I had some other friends that were supposed to be there a few minutes later. If it hadn’t been for them and my Xanax I would never have made it out of my car that night. 
I’m very grateful that I did, as I love my TRC family, even if I don’t get to see them very often, but I’m still stepping outside of my comfort  zone with every event I attend. It’s a process and it’s getting better, but, suffice it to say, my submission is vaguely socially connected when it can be.

Ranting Again

Why does it seem that the women of all the blogs I read and even the ones I come into direct contact with have more than enough money and time to get all pampered and buy special things and do fun activities that cost.. well.. MONEY? Maybe it just seems so glaring to me right now because I have ... well.. none. And I'm floundering, fighting against a ton of jealousy. Trying to keep that "positive attitude" that's included in my contract and be a good sub and a good mother and student and... whatever else I have to be for the day. A good me. But dammit it's HARD. Because of my location, I'm isolated. Because of my schedule, I'm isolated. Because of my lack of money, I'm isolated. It's no one's fault and I know it'll take time to be fixed, but dammit... I'm beyond tired of it right now.

A break would be nice. To not get chastised for being negative. For using my ever present sarcastic defenses.... For saying "really???" one too many times. I know I brought these things on myself, but I need a way to express my frustration. I usually get it out by over reacting to the little things. Example: stupid song comes on pandora.. I had just thumbs downed one almost exactly like it two songs before. Reaction? "Really??  Seriously?? Sheesh!" I get frowned at at the very least. And oh wait.. I'm supposed to reduce my use of the word stupid applying to nonthinking things... well crap. I say I want a break.. but really I don't think I do. I want more consistency. If I can't say those things then... I should get the frown EVERY time... not just when he's tired or fed up with someone else saying such things. Such as with cursing. He's not been reacting happily to my using curse words lately, but when I ask him if he doesn't want me to use such words so I can make a conscious effort NOT to use those words... he says no.. so what's the solution here? I don't like his frown. I'd much rather have his smile...

I've considered attempting to alter my speech on my own, but every time I think of doing that, I remember that we're suppposed to be in this together. I want the instruction.. I NEED the instruction. and for it to come from him. I know that doesn't make sense to some but it's the way my brain works, I suppose. Words have a lot of meaning for me. I used to be more particular about the ones I use, and I still am when I'm in mixed company, but with E I often just let my mouth run with my mind and ramble on and on and on and on. It seems to be fairly unique to him as I don't do that with anyone else really. I may ramble, but with E there's no filter. I suppose I expect him to correct me if I say something he doesn't approve of.. instead I get that... frown.

I read other submissive women's writings and I have to fight that jealousy monster again. I see where they've written about their Dominant counterparts correcting them and how frustrated they feel about it and yet they obviously appreciate it... and I just get more frustrated. The fact that I can't currently live with E is a factor, I know, but even when I'm with him alone for weekends... I dunno. Maybe I'm expecting too much. I do that often. 

Ah well. Time for me to head to class. Maybe a solution will present itself soon. 

~Surri 

I Hate Sundays

I hate feeling so out of the loop. Never spending time with anyone other than my kids and my immediate family… and every once in a while I get to see E… even more rarely do I get to see other people that I can actually have an honest conversation with about something other than my kids or my immediate family. It’s to the point where I try not to get on social media sites because it makes me so depressed.  Yes, this is a rant… sorry. It needs to get out.  Everyone’s talking about how much fun they had here or what so and so did there and I’m still an observer and a distant one at that. For a while I felt like I was a part of it, at least minimally, but now? I’m watching through binoculars. I’m the kid in the corner crying ‘cause she didn’t get picked, pouting because nobody talks to her, whining because everyone else is in their own little groups and she’s not allowed to join. I get to visit. It’s frustrating and it hurts. It’s no one’s fault, but that doesn’t make it any less difficult. 

I seem to have had this problem wherever I go. I never feel… included, even when I strive to be or even when I try to create a “group” of my own versus joining one. Not at school, not when I was working, not at church… but I feel like I could be, here, but I just… can’t. I can’t make it to community functions, I can’t get online for TRC chats, ACES is a rare and special thing… It’s either a time that I don’t have free, too expensive to go, or it’s just too far away. or all of the above. I hate that I’m sitting here whining about it, but maybe if I get this out I’ll find a way to fix it or get over it. I feel like I’m screaming “poor pitiful me” while I know life could be so much worse… but this just won’t go away.  I wish I knew a solution. Maybe someone else has one.

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercise #17

What does trust mean to you in the context of submission? 
Trust

noun /trəst/  trusts, plural 1.      Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something §  - relations have to be built on trust §  - they have been able to win the trust of the others 2.     Acceptance of the truth of a statement without evidence or investigation §  - I used only primary sources, taking nothing on trust 3.     The state of being responsible for someone or something §  - a man in a position of trust 4.     A person or duty for which one has responsibility §  - rulership is a trust from God 5.     A hope or expectation §  - all the great trusts of womanhood 6.     Confidence placed in a person by making that person the nominal owner of property to be held or used for the benefit of one or more others 7.     An arrangement whereby property is held in such a way §  - a trust was set up §  - the property is to be held in trust for his son verb /trəst/   trusted, past participle; trusted, past tense; trusting, present participle;trusts, 3rd person singular present 8.     Believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of §  - I should never have trusted her §  - he can be trusted to carry out an impartial investigation §  - a trusted adviser 9.     Allow someone to have, use, or look after (someone or something of importance or value) with confidence §  - I'd trust you with my life 10.   Commit (someone or something) to the safekeeping of §  - they don't like to trust their money to anyone outside the family 11.     Have confidence; hope (used as a polite formula in conversation) §  - I trust that you have enjoyed this book 12.    Have faith or confidence §  - she trusted in the powers of justice 13.    Place reliance on (luck, fate, or something else over which one has little control) §  - trusting to the cover of night, I ventured out

I have removed all the definitions that I did not feel related what “trust” means to me. I believe in my Sir. He believes in me. WE believe in US. We accept each other as we are. Faults, flaws and redemptions in one. Also, not only is E responsible for me, I am responsible for him. For his reputation and his wellbeing. He has my hope and my confidence and I… I am his property. We have an arrangement that I am to be “held in such a way”… lol Maybe not exactly the same, but I feel it still applies.

The verb though… “Believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of” wow. “Allow someone to have, use, or look after with confidence” oh and “Commit to the safekeeping of” those define the action of submission for me so well. Submission is trust. It cannot exist independently of trust. Not in a healthy manner. I place reliance on that which I have little control all the time because I have given that control to him. 

He has such a big job. In that one thing, I put so much on him. I need my trust in him. That reliance. To give him that control and have little of it. And I only want to give him more. I don’t see how he does it.

So trust in the context of submission… is everything. 

Begging

I think my issue with begging is that if I retain the mindfulness necessary to do it justice, I lose the pleasant state of being wherein I need not think, which is a highly desirable portion of my submission, and since words have great power with  me I prefer to choose important ones carefully, which takes thought. Anything that I would feel important enough to truly beg for would deserve such forethought. Also, since I hold words so dear, when I struggle against that mindlessness and stumble over my words it shames me to a degree and I don't like that at all. I feel stupid that I haven't been able to come up with better words to articulate that need/want better and that I have, in my blundering, shamed that which I ask for and my Sir, whom I ask it from. 

I do beg with actions. I'll rub my cheek against him, press it to his feet sometimes. When he's caning or spanking me or the like I'll often lift up one side of my bottom to ask for more there. I whimper, I whine. I pout and sometimes feel like I get those big pleading eyes ... but verbally, I totally fail at begging. My mind goes blank and there's nothing there but "please". While I do so enjoy that state, E has expressed a desire to hear me beg with more than whines and whimpers on occasion. So, he has asked me to come up with at least ten ways for me to ask him to allow me into his bed as a starting point...

Would it please you for your girl to sleep in your bed tonight, Sir?

Sir, have I been good enough to sleep in your bed tonight?

May I please get into your bed, Sir?

Please, Sir, may your girl get into your bed now?

Sir, your girl is tired. Does she have permission to get into your bed?

(and at this point I think I'd just fall asleep on the floor, but to continue the exercise..)

Sir, is there anything that I may do to be allowed in your bed tonight?

How may I earn a place in your bed tonight, Sir?

Please, may I sleep in your bed tonight, Sir, so that I may rest well and better serve you tomorrow?

Please, Sir, would you allow your girl the pleasure of sleeping in your bed tonight?

(and as I fall asleep on my knees....)

I'm sleepy. Can I come to bed now?

So. There are ten. I feel as if they're more formally asking than begging, but I refuse to lessen my self worth, grovel or attempt to promise things I don't intend to follow through with in order to get anything I want, nor do I think E would want that of me. I suppose that's why I feel that I need to have my wits about me at least partially in order to properly "beg". 

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercise #15 & #16

Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future? 
My submission has changed and, yes, evolved over time. I’m still discovering aspects of it and I feel that I always will be. I don’t think I’d be happy if I felt I had figured it all out and there was nothing left to explore… at least not at this point in my life. Maybe when I’m 90 or so. ;) It’s ever shifting, even from day to day. And each aspect of my submission is changing. Like the sunlight shifts through a stained glass window, the light shines through different colors at different strengths and at different angles every day, so is my submission. 

 Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person? 
The person and my connection with them has everything to do with how I submit. Also, see above. But, yes, it always depends on the person, the gender, the environment, the weather. LOL It is all about action and reaction with the one I submit to, but also within myself. 

Truth & Mercy

Let not mercy and truth forsake thee; bind them about thy neck, write them upon the tablet of thine heart. 

So shalt thou find favor and good understanding in the sight of God and man.
Proverbs 3:3-4 21st Century King James Version (KJ21)

This verse was brought to my attention via a post in a group I am a member of on Fetlife. It resonated and so I dwelled there with it for a while and read what others had said about it. One had used it in a collaring ritual with his submissive, another found historical references to relate to the Dominant/submissive dynamic, others saw no connection. I, being the lover of lexis that I am, wanted to first explore the meaning of these two oh so important words that the Bible says I should bear on my neck and my heart. 
mer·cy

 /ˈmərsē/ noun
mercies, plural

1. Compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm

- the boy was screaming and begging for mercy

- the mercies of God

2. An event to be grateful for, esp. because its occurrence prevents something unpleasant or provides relief from suffering

- his death was in a way a mercy

3. (esp. of a journey or mission) Performed out of a desire to relieve suffering; motivated by compassion

- mercy missions to refugees caught up in the fighting 

truth

 /trooTH/ noun
truths, plural

1. The quality or state of being true

- he had to accept the truth of her accusation

2. That which is true or in accordance with fact or reality

- tell me the truth

- she found out the truth about him

3. A fact or belief that is accepted as true

- the emergence of scientific truths

- the fundamental truths about mankind 

Thank you, Google! I love the diction in this scripture. To take these and bind them about my neck and write them upon the document that is my heart means so much. It is one thing to hold things in one’s heart and keep them dear, but with mercy and truth, to make them a part of my heart, not just in it. To not hide them only inside, but to wear them proudly on my neck and let all know that these claim me and that I claim them. Mercy; this is compassion, forgiveness, kindness, understanding, benevolence. Truth; this is fact, honesty, sincerity, genuineness, certainty, uprightness. I am to not only accept them and give them in their entirety. I am to make them a part of who and what I am and how others see me. 

Ironically, E once screen-named himself these two words. Truth and Mercy… So this verse is just made a bit dearer to me.

In this house…

There is no respect for any of my decisions in this house.  Today everyone here has belittled me and/or rebelled against me. My mother has treated me much disregard. My children have ignored my instruction to the point of open defiance, forcing me to discipline them, which eventually brought them to tears, which infuriate my father who actually had the audacity to question if I knew any other method of getting my children to do anything other than spanking them. 

He who spanked me until I was 14. He who broke the paddle on my butt. He who repeatedly used the OH so despised line “This hurts you more than it hurts me.” He who spanked me for voicing my opinion, claiming it was “talking back”. He who took belt, switch, and paddle to me for the tone of my voice or a C in math class. This man DARES to ask me if I know no better way to control my children than to spank them.

I am rebuked for raising my voice to my children, yet he does so both to them and to me. I am preached to about how time outs don’t work time and time again when I choose that method of discipline. He asks me repeatedly if I enjoy hearing my children cry. They’re almost 4 and 5. They’re going to cry some. Over and over again I am made to feel like I am a horrible mother… in THIS house.  And yet, at church I am praised for how I handle my children. E’s mom has humbled me more than once by saying I am a wonderful mother. Even my ex-husband praises my parenting. When I’m out of this house, I can almost believe them, but, when your own parents so disdain you, it makes it difficult to believe. 

Sometimes I feel as if this house is consuming me. Every episode of this evident display of scorn, trapping me a bit more, more firmly ensuring my position here… Sometimes I feel like Cinderella. 

“Do the laundry. Make the dinner, but do it MY way. Sweep the floors. You missed some here. Take out the garbage. Wash my car. It’s streaky; do it again. Beat the rugs. NO, like this. Where’s your dad’s other sock? Dust the furniture. There’s dust on the floor, sweep it up. That couch is too far to the right, move it back. Mop the floors. You put the chair back in the wrong place, fix it. Hang the clothes, no not that way. That shirt’s backwards. These pants are on the wrong hanger. This shirt is wrinkled; did you leave the clothes in the dryer again? YOU HAVE TO DO BETTER.” All still circling in my head. Never good enough.

I still have the time my mother made me scrub the bathroom floor with a toothbrush vivid in my memory… and I’m still waiting for it to happen again. I’m 25 years old and my parents alternately treat me like a troublesome preteen, a lack wit servant, and an utter failure and disappointment. Ever so rare is the shining jewel of a grudging compliment… usually on my food. My mother has even deigned to call me a whore simply because I’m fond of high heels.  

If I decide to pursue school again, I am told that I don’t give it my all and that I should try harder. If I decide to not to pursue school again, then I’m told that I’ll never make it in life. I’m repeatedly told that I’m lazy and selfish and sometimes I just want to evolve into the doormat they attempt to make me, but I know how that ends. 

Six years ago I made a foolish attempt at marriage to escape this, and yet found the same, but worse, in the man that I had chosen to marry. I divorced him so that my children could grow up without seeing their mother put down every day. I divorced him to spare them the anger and the violence in their father’s derision of me. I fled so I could stop being the doormat, and yet here I am again. 

If I leave this house, my parents’ financial support stops. They’ve made that clear. I have no job. No degree. Little in the way of income from child support and I know of no other relatives that would take my children and myself in. My mother has come to recognize that their behavior is affecting my children and has done a bit better, but my dad refuses to admit that he has anger issues. He rejects the idea that there are other ways than his that are affective. 

I don’t know how to alter this situation. Some days are actually nice. Some months are actually pleasant… and then I do something to set things off again… either that or they can no longer ignore my blatant incompetence. I try to keep the kids shielded from it as best I can and they seem to only know that Grampa is angry and shouts a lot. I didn’t want this for them. I didn’t want this for me. Acknowledging that I’ll never make my parents proud is hard enough without my children having to witness their grandparents’ disappointment in me. 

I count the days and the pennies now…  Two years. Just two more years. Please GOD just two more years until we can escape this house, finances right now just won’t allow it… hopefully by the time my son is in kindergarten that won’t be so. 

P.S.: Yes, I know this is a rant, but I had to get this out and just leaving it in a Word document on my computer didn't seem like it was enough.

"Good Girl": Those Two Words

Recently a friend of mine wrote a piece on how hearing “good girl” from her partner (not necessarily Dominant in this case) caused her to endure something that she didn't want to do because she wanted to do it…. Yes, I know it sounds confusing at first, but after a bit of thought it makes sense. I sat for a while wondering if I should comment.. If her writing meant enough to me to want to applaud it, and I decided not to. Partly because it didn't align with me well. It moved me, obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be writing about it here, but hearing those two words isn't just a motivator to get me to do what E wants me to do. It isn't just a guide to help me get through something that I might not have been able to handle otherwise. Those two words are the goal at the end of my day. I know life is different for everyone and I’m glad that she has found some importance in this phrase, but it’s so much more to me than an enabler.

I haven’t heard those two words in too long now. I can’t remember how long it’s been.  A week? Two? Who knows, but I ache for them… It is this that seems to have kept me from being able to reply to her post.  I don’t feel that I’ve deserved them lately either.  I’ve been moody and whiney and have resisted doing things that I know I should do.. some even that he’s instructed me to do. And I haven’t always told him about it either…

 I have so many facets that it’s hard for me to keep up with what side of me is up today…  Is today the brat? The rope bunny? The toy? The wicked little sadomasochist? The service sub? The pet? The little girl? They’re all a part of me and often work together, but sometimes one portion of my submission needs more than the others. I don’t know why, it may be due to other aspects of my life, it may just be due to my mindset, but I’m feeling a little lost in them right now and I feel like I need to pick one for now. Find one that suits this melancholy and irritated self that I’ve been.

I feel like I’m so much work… so much trouble. My shifty attitude, my baggage, my complications, my apparently rollercoaster emotions.  What I feel I need is so ever shifting how can I expect anyone to keep up? But it seems E does. He manages my fits and works with my complications. He accepts all my baggage and helps me sort through it. He takes my attitude in stride and adjusts it should he need to... at least most of the time. He does so well, that I often feel lost when I can’t lean on him.

I rely on him for so much. The positive reinforcement of “good girl” is my cue that it’s ok to rely on him for all that. That what I’m doing is what he needs, just as much as what he does is what I need… without it, I feel like I’m not doing my job… Those two words are the ruler against which I measure myself.

Now, I’m not sure why I haven’t heard them lately. It may very well be that he’s using other words to attempt some variety... or that he’s just not thought of it… It may be that he’s said them, but my current state has rejected them… or that he is actually displeased with me for something or another, but I miss them. I need to hear these words. I may totally break down when I do hear them again, and E will once again pick up my pieces, but I need it. I need to be his good girl again, whatever else I may be.

I’m sorry for the disjointedness of this post, but I felt that I had to get this out somewhere and that if I took the time to edit it, I wouldn’t post it. I dunno. Maybe I’m looking for problems where there aren’t any, but, to borrow a phrase from Madeline’s Ms. Clavel, “Something is not right!” 

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercise #14

 Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

Yes, in its way, my faith does influence my submission. I wouldn’t call my method of submission a ‘biblical submission’ but God’s word does dictate my actions. He is my Master. No other will be addressed as such. I am a Christian. I consider myself nondenominational, but I am a follower of Christ. Does that mean I’m perfect? Absolutely not, whoever came up with the idea that Christians are supposed to be perfect needed a reality check.

I struggle with my submission sometimes. I struggled with living my faith like I was told I was supposed to more. I grew up in and still attend a Baptist church yet I agree with very little that is taught there. However, my pastor preached a sermon recently on the mind of Christ and I was overwhelmed. I thought, FINALLY. This is something worth discussing. His three points were Submission, Service, and Sacrifice. I FELT that sermon as I have felt so few. And yet, the people around me heard the same words and were unaffected, unaltered. Not even a stoic “amen”. I wasn’t expecting a sudden conversion to the more enthusiastic Pentacostal, but seriously? Why is the topic of submission so overlooked?

I am aware that there must be leaders if there are to be followers, but when all try to lead… it becomes a great big mess. Some people are called to it. Others, like myself, are called to submission. I know my place, I cherish it now that I’ve found it. I can feel when I am out of it. I don’t believe that every Christian is called to follow the path of submission, but it is a much overlooked one. The meaning of “submit” has been shoved under the rug and lost in churches such as mine, where it should be cherished just as much as the leaders of the church are.

There can be no true equality in any situation. Yes, we have similar opportunities, but in any relationship, be it friendship, corporate, or evangelical, there will be a situation of the leader and the lead. It may shift. It may not. But it will happen.

I feel that the submissive spirit is frowned upon. Utterly unwelcome. It saddens me to see people cringe when they hear “I am a slave of Christ” oooh slave.. slaves have no choices, we have choices.. let’s use “servant” instead.. yeah.. UGH!!!! Slave. A willing slave.

Maybe it’s my experience as a submissive in the BDSM world that gives me such a unique view of this, but it’s a fierce neglect where I am and it breaks my heart that my efforts to correct it have fallen flat.

Ok… rant over. Anyway. Yes. Obviously my faith/religion/whateveryouchoosetocallit influences my submission. To each their own.

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercises #12 & #13

 Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

Yes. E and I have a loose budget set for me right now. We don’t live together at the moment (unfortunately, but I’m trying to be patient on that) so it’s difficult to create an itemized budget, and I don’t know that he’d want to do that even if we were living together.

We have an entire portion of our Rule Book dedicated to Finances and Employment… I’ll just copy paste it here…

Finances and Employment

1.      Each party understands that prior to engagement of said relationship both have acquired certain personal property and wealth. These items do not become the property of the Owner once the relationship has been entered into that they remain the sole responsibility of their owner. Should the Submissive desire to relinquish any or all property then she may do so and then and only then does it become the responsibility of the Owner.

2.      The Submissive understands that she is expected to complete her college degree.

3.      A budget will be set for the Submissive regardless her state of employment. Any deviation from that budget is considered worthy of punishment as seen fit by the Owner.

4.      The Submissive must propose all major expenditures to the Owner for approval; this includes any singular purchase over $50 and any unnecessary purchase for pleasure or recreation over $20 with the exclusion of items that may be returned for full refunds, in which case the item must be approved by the Owner as soon as possible after purchase and with the receipt.

5.      Should the Submissive maintain gainful employment outside the home after the relationship has been entered into then all moneys and accumulation by the Submissive belong to the Submissive, however the Owner maintains all final decisions and shall allow the Submissive to discuss matters regarding investments and moneys spent for the benefit of the relationship. Both parties agree that while at work neither shall do or cause to happen anything that may jeopardize the others employment, understanding that each must maintain bills and together, a household.

6.      Should the Submissive not be required to maintain gainful employment outside the home, her duties shall be maintaining the family and the home ensuring that it is kept proper and clean at all times and that meals are prepared in accordance with the Owner's wishes and in doing so fulfills her financial obligations to the home. The Owner shall maintain any medical insurance necessary and assume financial responsibility for the Submissive. The Owner shall also establish a savings fund for the Submissive and maintain it, contributing to it regularly so that should the relationship dissolve the Submissive has a means to sustain herself until she may either find gainful employment or make other arrangements.

I don’t pay him. He doesn’t pay me. He guides me and helps me prepare for my future and the future of my children… and our future together. I know there are other arrangements that aren’t so… advantageous. I am blessed to have a good man as my Dominant; a good man that loves and takes good care of his girl. 

I don't like the concept of turning over one's entire income to a Dominant that one is not married to or without other legal provisions. I don't like the thought of a Dominant not caring for his submissive's future financially if such a situation is arranged. I've heard horror stories of subs that turn over their entire life, including money, to a Dominant and when they are, for some reason, released, they are turned out without a penny or a place to go. I am aware that this is not the norm, but it frightens me to know that it happens sometimes. 

I often have trouble with numbers and I struggle with impulse buying. This is the reason I have never and do not currently have a credit card. I realize that this is something I need help with and, as with everything else, I turn to my Sir for it. I update him with my account balance occasionally, though he doesn't require it, so that he can know how well or how poorly I am managing what I have. Yes, it's another measure of submission, but I really don't make the effort for it. It's just what seems right. I know that if I am not held accountable for this more than once a month I will more than likely spend more than is needed on things that aren't needed and be without money for the things that I do need... like gas or money for a bill. E helps keep me on track. 

Quite often I've been late for a bill payment. Quite often I've missed a bill payment... for absolutely no reason... just because no one made me pay it, I suppose... Now I have someone to make me and I'm grateful for it. 

 Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?

Yes, I am always to be available sexually to my Sir. It is this way because we both enjoy it. There are limits, our safety, the safety and well being of my children, and our public reputations dictate the appropriateness of time and place, but otherwise… that’s pretty much it. I belong to him, he uses me when he wants… ok. Sometimes when I want too. ;) but that’s easy as I usually ‘want’.

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercize #11

Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

Yes, I include service as part of the expectations of my submission. I haven't really in previous relationships, at least not consciously, but in my relationship with E it seems to have been a natural development. It bothers me if he takes his dishes to the sink. It upsets me if he takes mine... I find that I really enjoy the feeling I get from making his coffee just so and bringing it to him. I even enjoy cleaning his bathroom... Because it's his. It's taking care of my Dominant. It's seeing that his life is made easier because of me. It's part of making him happy... of feeling the way I do when he obviously appreciates the things I have done for him. Taking care of him, his surroundings, his belongings, and his needs is where I feel the most HIS. I feel a bit lost when I'm not able to do something for him. If he is busy and I can't help it unsettles me to a degree. I want to be doing something for him consciously whenever possible. I'm still exploring this need and I feel that I probably will be for a long time as there are so many possible aspects of it. Right now I'm just doing what feels right most of the time, as E doesn't really require most of this from me... it just seems to come.

I was rather surprised at this development with us for several reasons. One of those reasons being that my ex-husband attempted to push me into a servile mindset more than once and I resisted it strongly. So much so that it was one of the many reasons I divorced him. It is odd to me that I want to clean for E and make his bed and wash his clothes and shine his shoes and do all those little things that I trudge through in any other situation... but when it's HIS... it's different. It's spreading too. So that as long as I can keep the mindset that whatever I am doing is for him and I can gain his pleasure out of whatever my task is, I find an odd joy in it. At least when nothing else interferes with the mindset.

This... I am still adjusting to.

I don't feel that I've at all answered all there is on this topic, but I feel that, to do it justice, I will return to it at another time. Until then, I'll move on. 

~Surri

E's Birthday Celebration

The Edible Aphrodisiac Exploration that we did for E's birthday went wonderfully! 

There was a lot of great food and good friends and I think it went damn well. I don't have a lot to say about it, but I thought I'd share a few pictures as an update.

Menu:                                                                                                            Chipotle Turkey Nachos, Celery Tomato Cucumber Salad, Lavender Chicken Salad in pita pockets, Honey Ginger Glazed Carrots, and Almond Stuffed Mushrooms. With a dessert table of Fruit Salad, Peach Champagne Sorbet, a Mint Watermelon Vodka Sorbet, Chocolate Banana Slices with Chopped Almonds, Chocolate Honey Banana Bread, Melted Chocolates with Strawberries, Bacon, and Marshmallows for dipping and the dark chocolate and whiskey "Beautiful and Damned" birthday cake. Drinks were a Honey Lavender Lemonade, Coffee, Iced Tea and whatever else anyone brought.

I think my favorites were the Turkey Nachos, Peach Champagne Sorbet and The Cake lol. E said his favorites were the Fruit Salad, the Peach Champagne Sorbet, and The Cake as well...

I enjoyed pretty much every part of this party, including the after-party birthday beating! 

I'll be back with more substantial posts once life calms down a bit. 

Until then! 

~Surri

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercise #10

Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?

Yeah. BDSM is a part of my relationship. E is pretty active in the local kinky community and I would be if I had more opportunity. Bondage is a yes, I love rope in particular but I enjoy pretty much any kind of bondage… at least all the types I’ve tried. Discipline is in there too. Dominance and submission obviously play a big role in our relationship. Sadomasochism is there as well. So I suppose we have the whole shebang. hahaha

As far as its importance, I know that one day I probably won’t be so keen on E purpling my butt with bruises and that one day he probably won’t be able to. There will be a time when his fingers can no longer tie the knots and I can no longer kneel or stand still long enough for him to bind me (that’s an issue already lol!). Despite that, the Dominance and submission and even discipline, I feel, will remain. 

So, some aspects of it are integral to my submission, but others… time will eventually push them aside. It’s not all whips and chains and blood and pain, though those are sometimes included. In that complex acronym there is a way of living, a way of thinking that is, to me, beautiful and that lasts much longer than the mere moments of pain or bondage. 

Recent Poetry

In Glory

Write upon my wrist

My story

Come to  Know

Impress upon my skin

Each worry

Let it go

Pull the bindings taut

My body

Make it bow

And so it all begins

In Glory

Help me Grow

© surrina booke 2012

To The Pain

I’m pain poor.

Come to me

In patterned possibility

Paths across my skin

That rip away civility

Again, again, again

Provoke, pursue, distil me

Reveal me more and then

Infuse the raw with clarity

Begin, begin, begin

Through this vessel

Calling you

Worthiness aside

Pain, pour through me

Please. Please

Come to me

Abide.

© surrina booke 2012

Musings on the Threads of Earth

I wonder

Where

The knot that holds

The threads of Earth

Together

Ends,

A bellybutton

Of sorts.

If we were to

Untie our knot

Would we unravel?

Would the strings

That keep our feet

Tethered

To the fabric of soil

Loosen?

Would the leaves be

Unstitched?

The waters

Disentangled?

Do you think

The Earth was sewn?

Or knitted?

Or crocheted?

Or,

With its patchwork

Of

Fields and cities

Embroideries

Of

Roads and rivers,

Quilted?

If

It were to unravel

What would we find?

The batting?

The answers?

Or great God

Laughing at

All

Our

Questions.

© surrina booke 2012