22) Can you
feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission
express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive
feelings?
Yes, it’s very frustrating and exhausting, but
there are little things. Like goals I set for myself. A new skill to learn, a
study on manners, etiquette, rituals, protocol, something. It’s especially
difficult for me when I don’t feel like I’m progressing and there’s nothing to
keep my mind occupied. If my mind is left alone to run amok then bad things
happen and depression sets in. I still struggle with this even though I do have
a dominant partner, especially when I feel that I am unable to contact him
freely. I don’t exactly handle it well, but I try to cope with my feelings. It
would be easier if I was able to be more involved in the local community or
felt able to express some form of submission in action and attitude without being
shunned, ridiculed or berated in this house where I live, but that’s just
something I have to deal with right now. Submission isn’t just something I do.
It’s a part of who I am, it’s what I term my “default setting” being anything
else takes effort that I can’t always muster.
23) Is
there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you
question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were
resistant to your own submissive feelings?
Sometimes I
worry that my children suffer from my submissive nature. It is extremely
difficult for me to remain consistent in discipline because of it. Both of my
children have more dominant natures right now than I do and it’s a struggle for
me to retain control of them. Having an outlet for my submission has helped a
great deal, but I still worry that they’ll walk all over me as teens. My family
and I don’t really get along well but that’s due to more than my submissive
nature, but it is in part.
I also
worry that my ex-husband may use my involvement in BDSM as leverage to attempt
to take my kids from me. That is, I think, my greatest fear, but this is a part
of who I am. Not doing it is no longer an option if I wish to stay truly happy.
24) What
are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do
they inspire?
Access my
submission? My submission is always there. I don’t really… “access” it. I’d
debate that submission has its own emotion. One that is only describable as a
submissive emotion.
25) Are
there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission?
If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special
significance to these objects or rituals?
My Collar because it is a symbol of
pride that I am owned, a reminder of to whom I belong, and a declaration to the
world that I am his. My Slave Bell Anklet because it reminds me of my position;
its chime guides my movements and reminds me that every one is made for my
Owner. My Rope Cuff because my Sir made it for me and it was our first symbol
of my submission to him… and it’s rope. My Hemp Collar because it was my first
collar and it’s hemp and E surprised me with it. My Corner because it is reminiscent
of my Spot at my Sir’s feet and because I have been trained that my focus is on
him and my submission to him in this place. My Devotion because it is my ritual
focusing all of myself on my service to E and his pleasure in it.
26) What
are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities
deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?
Integrity.
Strength. Ingenuity. Determination. Honesty. Open Communication. My Sir has
also shown me a quality that I had discounted before but value so much in him:
A considerate spirit. I do also have a need for rope and a comfort level
conducive for deep connected submission but I don’t know of any other musts.
27) Do you
have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore?
Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?
Sort of. I
have fantasies of being the victim in a bound gang bang. I have rape fantasies.
I fantasize about being bound and blindfolded and used as a party favor. I
sometimes want to be fucked until I pass out from it… and not care who does it.
I know these types of things carry a lot of risks and it is for that reason
that I have not pursued them. These risks scare me. The consequences of these
fantasies being a reality could be long term and could possibly affect my children.
Sometimes it’s best to let the fantasy remain fantasy.
