1/20-1/26 Reviewed.

This week has been a blur. Between being sick and heavily medicated and being busy and … heavily medicated, I don’t remember a lot of it. Friday, though, stands clearly in my mind. A wonderful day that left me full of smiles, begun with a great walk with a new friend that energized and encouraged me. Moving on to taking care of some business with car and work and then my Sir. He surprised me with a visit. I was over at his place making use of the internet to get my work done faster and he called, told me I needed to get naked, get some heels on and play with myself for him… my mind really wanted to say “but ..but I’m so busy! I have so many things that I need to get done and .. and… and…” but then I reminded myself (and he helped remind me) that there must be a reason that he wants me to do this because he knows that I have a ton of stuff to do. 

I’m so glad that I obeyed my Sir…. Because he came to check up on me. Because I’m sure that, had I protested, he wouldn’t have been as pleased. Because knowing that I pleased him, and then feeling it made me feel so gooood. That left me feeling so special that he took the time to surprise me that way and that he even thought to do so. I’ve been missing him so much, but I’ve been missing feeling his control just as much. It was exactly what I needed. It made me feel controlled, owned and cherished. I know that I am those things, but to feel them so completely was magnificent.

Then Friday night, to get to go to the opera with a group of lovely ladies that I can be my true self around. We saw Madame Butterfly and I got to sit cuddling with my beloved Sister the entire show, holding her hand, caressing her knee, enjoying her arm around me and after the curtain, to kiss her goodnight in the drizzling rain not caring that our friends were around us… that was liberating, beautiful and wonderful. I fell into bed that night with a smile on my face that nothing could have wiped away. My good mood is still carrying me, though it’s been dented here and there by this and that, but having a day filled with love, friends and fun definitely recharged my happy battery. 

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercises #28 & #29

28) Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that.

Yes to all, but I really don’t feel comfortable sharing details on this one with the World Wide Web. In handling it, I stepped back, re-evaluated and brought myself back on the course that I desired most.

29) Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

Pain, yes. Humiliation, by that name is not a part of my submission. Humility, however, is. I am a sadomasochist, so pain is part of our play as well as punishment. The purpose behind the pain alters my reception and reaction to it.

 I do embrace the pain both as a part of my submission and as something entirely separate. Being sadistic as well as masochistic means that I have to give not only my desire to be hurt but my desire to hurt others to my Sir, including him.... especially him. Holding sadism and masochism separate from the typical concepts of Dominant and submissive means that I do not associate one with the other. I've seen submissive sadists and masochistic Dominants. 

While pain is often a tool used in power exchange, it is not something that only goes one way. When we learn to let go of those preconceived notions that Dominants deal the pain and submissives accept it an entire new realm of possibilities appears, leaning more toward the primal side of human nature. One must yield and another must triumph in order for the balance to be found, but, in the balance, both have won.