sweetness

    yesterday was a good day. i got the chance to do more than just be the rope bunny or the pain slut or the fuck toy. yesterday i felt useful and that's such a good thing to feel. i think i had forgotten how fulfilling this could be. 
    it amuses me how quickly i want to do the best for him, where, were i doing such for myself it would likely receive a halfhearted attempt. little things like making sure there aren't streaks on the mirror or seeing that the kitchen counters are clear and clean or .. well you get the point. i hope that never leaves. i want to keep this feeling of being delighted that i want the best for him, that i want my best for him. i know it will likely alter at times, but i intend to desperately cling to it... and him.
    i'm happy. happier than i have been in a very long time. and i'm finding it's the little things that keep me so. and i'm wishing i could be back at his feet right now, wrapped around his leg with my head on his knee... soon. i can be patient. i have to be. 
    until next i write. 
~surri

wistful

    so i've spent the day keeping busy. burning off the restless energy of yesterday with cleaning and reorganizing. and now that i have the chance to wind down and do what i want... i find that i can't do anything that comes to mind that i want to do.. because it all involves persons that aren't with me. 
    so i'm sitting here on my bed writing because the poetry won't come tonight. no fuel. a hurried, but productive day tapers off to this..... dissatisfying evening. and it SUCKS. it almost makes me want to start cleaning again just so i can turn my mind to eliminating the specks of dust and grimy little fingerprints that are my enemies.... 
    one good thing about being used to being  alone is just that... i was used to it. and when that changed. when i found these moments when i'm not so alone and i'm actually fully with others not just in the room with them... i find myself at a loss at what to do when i'm not with them. when all the responsibilities of the day are through and the house is quiet... i find myself wanting to sit and talk with those closest to me. or just sit. 
    so instead i'm whining here and wishing i was there and doodling pointless little drawings on the corners of my notebook where i had intended to write something meaningful... oh well. 
    it's not really a melancholy mood. nor a pouty one. more a dreamy sigh. the kind that usually accompanies a chin propped upon a hand and a long unfocused gaze off into the depths of the blank wall....  silly me, i know. but today, or rather tonight, the sky is lavender... with dusky grey clouds and a sprinkling of silver stars. 
   

damnable rain

    rain, well it depends on what kind of rain, but days like today? the drizzly almost miserable kind? make me twitchy. usually one of the few times i'm actually on edge. i can't be still. very little satisfies me. my mind bounces around the confines of my skull and i don't finish most of what i start. i think too much and do too little and, in thinking, i want.
    today i've closed my eyes a hundred thousand times and relived snapshots from yesterday. of his hand on my throat making me drift. of his voice in my ear telling me exactly what i am to him. of the weight of him pressing me into the mattress. of the pleasure in his voice as i cry out with the delicious pain he brings me. and his taste. mmm the gift of his cum. (oh, i know, it sounds corny, but it's how i feel.) sometimes i've closed my eyes and let myself remember and found myself responding all over again though there's no pain to greet the arch of my back and the lift of my ass, no flesh to meet the press of my lips or the sweep of my tongue. it sends my mind off whirring, trying the ways to get that taste on my tongue again.
    it makes me want to scream in frustration and pull my hair.. but i'd like that too much. instead i've wandered the house doing bits of this and that and chewed my lips. as if every movement isn't a reminder. i'm to the point that i can feel the aching throb of my pulse in my tender swollen pussy... and writing that didn't help either.
    i'm glad i'm not with him today. we haven't known each other long enough for me to be comfortable being this way with him. i open myself with almost no reservation when i'm with him, i can't seem to help it,  and, were i to do that now, i'd be... wild, unable to control myself, and completely too aggressive. i usually find my submission in peace and pain and an easy giving, but today it would have to be a fight. and oh how i'd relish it. damn the bruises and the marks...who cares if i'd hurt to the point of barely moving after? i'd give just to see how much i could take.... as it is now i pace the confines of my vanilla cage and gnaw at my wrist hoping my teeth don't leave marks too noticeable...