"Good Girl": Those Two Words

Recently a friend of mine wrote a piece on how hearing “good girl” from her partner (not necessarily Dominant in this case) caused her to endure something that she didn't want to do because she wanted to do it…. Yes, I know it sounds confusing at first, but after a bit of thought it makes sense. I sat for a while wondering if I should comment.. If her writing meant enough to me to want to applaud it, and I decided not to. Partly because it didn't align with me well. It moved me, obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be writing about it here, but hearing those two words isn't just a motivator to get me to do what E wants me to do. It isn't just a guide to help me get through something that I might not have been able to handle otherwise. Those two words are the goal at the end of my day. I know life is different for everyone and I’m glad that she has found some importance in this phrase, but it’s so much more to me than an enabler.

I haven’t heard those two words in too long now. I can’t remember how long it’s been.  A week? Two? Who knows, but I ache for them… It is this that seems to have kept me from being able to reply to her post.  I don’t feel that I’ve deserved them lately either.  I’ve been moody and whiney and have resisted doing things that I know I should do.. some even that he’s instructed me to do. And I haven’t always told him about it either…

 I have so many facets that it’s hard for me to keep up with what side of me is up today…  Is today the brat? The rope bunny? The toy? The wicked little sadomasochist? The service sub? The pet? The little girl? They’re all a part of me and often work together, but sometimes one portion of my submission needs more than the others. I don’t know why, it may be due to other aspects of my life, it may just be due to my mindset, but I’m feeling a little lost in them right now and I feel like I need to pick one for now. Find one that suits this melancholy and irritated self that I’ve been.

I feel like I’m so much work… so much trouble. My shifty attitude, my baggage, my complications, my apparently rollercoaster emotions.  What I feel I need is so ever shifting how can I expect anyone to keep up? But it seems E does. He manages my fits and works with my complications. He accepts all my baggage and helps me sort through it. He takes my attitude in stride and adjusts it should he need to... at least most of the time. He does so well, that I often feel lost when I can’t lean on him.

I rely on him for so much. The positive reinforcement of “good girl” is my cue that it’s ok to rely on him for all that. That what I’m doing is what he needs, just as much as what he does is what I need… without it, I feel like I’m not doing my job… Those two words are the ruler against which I measure myself.

Now, I’m not sure why I haven’t heard them lately. It may very well be that he’s using other words to attempt some variety... or that he’s just not thought of it… It may be that he’s said them, but my current state has rejected them… or that he is actually displeased with me for something or another, but I miss them. I need to hear these words. I may totally break down when I do hear them again, and E will once again pick up my pieces, but I need it. I need to be his good girl again, whatever else I may be.

I’m sorry for the disjointedness of this post, but I felt that I had to get this out somewhere and that if I took the time to edit it, I wouldn’t post it. I dunno. Maybe I’m looking for problems where there aren’t any, but, to borrow a phrase from Madeline’s Ms. Clavel, “Something is not right!”