Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercise #4 & #5

Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?

Being a mom of two kids is more than enough to squelch any dominant urges I might have. Sexual dominance has never appealed to me much. I've tried it, topped a couple of times, just to see if I'd like it, and I really don't like the person I was when I was in that headspace. I was a total bitch and I don't like that word at all or what I was. It wasn't me.

There will always be things that I 'maintain control over' to some degree. My contact with my family, my children, and such. There will be times when I have to be the one that's in control of the situation, as much as I dislike it. That's just my life. I can't live in a bubble.

I don't at all consider myself a switch, I am capable, but it's not healthy and not desired.

Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

I have been in what was, on the surface a Dominant/submissive dynamic relationship before, but it was not nearly to the depth of what I am in currently. I consider that more training as I learned a lot about myself while I was there, and about BDSM as well. I've had play partners along the way that have helped me because of my friendships with them and my relationships with them as well had a vague aspect of D/s. All relationships do to some degree, but I was made aware of it. It made me think, made me consider my behavior more because of my relationship with them. I attempt to keep that perspective with all my relationships now. To know where I stand and act accordingly.

My first D/s romantic relationship was turbulent and foolish. I felt I was being forced into a mold made for someone else... and I still wanted it because I wanted to please the dominant in the relationship. None of us knew what we were really doing, what we really wanted or what we could really offer, but it helped us all learn. There are still some unseen scars to fade from that for me, but with time, the scars either become a reminder of lessons learned or a beautiful symbol of my journey. Often both.

My current relationship is more... thought through. Not a mere impulse, I've carefully considered all that I've learned that I can offer and all that I now know that I need and have found that they match well with my Sir. I've never felt more free because I am not only accepted for who and what I am, but I am cherished. Exactly as I am. Will some changes be made? Well yeah. Life is change. I'm still learning, but I know more now than I did then. Enough to accept that I'll always be learning and to appreciate that fact.

Random common factor: both dominants I've had have both been HEAVY coffee drinkers....

The odd thing is that with both relationships neither were intentional... at least on my part. The relationship was purely platonic to start. Looking back, I feel that it might not have been completely so on the part of my first dominant, but that is past. I slid into lust and didn't restrict myself to keep my safety in mind. I gave too easily. With E, the relationship was also purely platonic in the beginning with the intent of friendship and rope practice, but there was little slide in this... it was more like being plunged beneath a waterfall. I wasn't even attracted to him at first, then when I saw him again, my body went haywire and I just had to catch up to it. I held back, because he had made it clear that he wasn't interested in anything more than a friend and a practice rope bunny, but apparently he fell too.. (I'd like to hear/read his side of this...) because the next thing I know he's telling me that he wants me for more than just a bit of rope and play. The thrill that ran through me when I read his message, "I want a some sort of a claim on you" is a memory I cherish. Talk about a SQUEEEE! moment...