Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercise #2 & #3

Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

Submission is a way of life for me... to a degree. It is a thing both internal and external, of nature and nurture, automatic and sought. An attitude of submission is not the same as submitting to every person I come in contact with, however. To me, it's taking another's needs and desires into consideration before my own.

I am also, submissive in my relationship with E. This submission is twined with my attitude of submission in daily life. It's pretty much every aspect of our relationship, even when in the vanilla realm. This just feels right and when I step outside of that submission to him, even when he's unaware of my attitude, it just doesn't ring true. He leads, I follow. I might bottom to a play partner, but that submission is not the same submission I give to E. 

How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?

I've always yielded easily (until recently). Someone said "do this", usually I did. It might have taken me an hour to do something that should have taken 10 minutes because I got distracted daydreaming or got too detail oriented, but I did it. It's gotten me in trouble, it's gotten me into more than trouble... but I have always had great difficulty saying "no". I've had to learn to, (I have kids... they learned it from somewhere..) but it can still be a hard thing for me to do. 

Persons, including my parents, have long encouraged me to take positions of leadership in groups; to be the person saying "do this" or "go there" and I've never felt comfortable in that role. I struggle with it even as a parent. 

I've forever had difficulty making decisions on my own. It takes me 20 minutes to figure out what I want to order off the menu at McDonald's and even then it's usually my 'standby'... heaven forbid they can't give me that, then I'm back to the drawing board! 

I've had to force myself into the capability to cope with this; to deal with making decisions on my own and dealing with the consequences, because I have little ones that depend on me. There is such joy and relief when I can relinquish that weight of decision and not have to make the choices. Or when I do have to make choices, to have a final approval to seek for them. Not to have to give over the reigns to my life, but rather have his hands over mine... if that makes sense to anyone but me. 

Expressing my submission gives me peace, it brings me joy, it focuses me, settles me.... centers me. I don't like who I am when I discard it... I've attempted it and met with... ugly results. I'ts a part of who I am, not just what I am.