Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercise #4 & #5

Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?

Being a mom of two kids is more than enough to squelch any dominant urges I might have. Sexual dominance has never appealed to me much. I've tried it, topped a couple of times, just to see if I'd like it, and I really don't like the person I was when I was in that headspace. I was a total bitch and I don't like that word at all or what I was. It wasn't me.

There will always be things that I 'maintain control over' to some degree. My contact with my family, my children, and such. There will be times when I have to be the one that's in control of the situation, as much as I dislike it. That's just my life. I can't live in a bubble.

I don't at all consider myself a switch, I am capable, but it's not healthy and not desired.

Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

I have been in what was, on the surface a Dominant/submissive dynamic relationship before, but it was not nearly to the depth of what I am in currently. I consider that more training as I learned a lot about myself while I was there, and about BDSM as well. I've had play partners along the way that have helped me because of my friendships with them and my relationships with them as well had a vague aspect of D/s. All relationships do to some degree, but I was made aware of it. It made me think, made me consider my behavior more because of my relationship with them. I attempt to keep that perspective with all my relationships now. To know where I stand and act accordingly.

My first D/s romantic relationship was turbulent and foolish. I felt I was being forced into a mold made for someone else... and I still wanted it because I wanted to please the dominant in the relationship. None of us knew what we were really doing, what we really wanted or what we could really offer, but it helped us all learn. There are still some unseen scars to fade from that for me, but with time, the scars either become a reminder of lessons learned or a beautiful symbol of my journey. Often both.

My current relationship is more... thought through. Not a mere impulse, I've carefully considered all that I've learned that I can offer and all that I now know that I need and have found that they match well with my Sir. I've never felt more free because I am not only accepted for who and what I am, but I am cherished. Exactly as I am. Will some changes be made? Well yeah. Life is change. I'm still learning, but I know more now than I did then. Enough to accept that I'll always be learning and to appreciate that fact.

Random common factor: both dominants I've had have both been HEAVY coffee drinkers....

The odd thing is that with both relationships neither were intentional... at least on my part. The relationship was purely platonic to start. Looking back, I feel that it might not have been completely so on the part of my first dominant, but that is past. I slid into lust and didn't restrict myself to keep my safety in mind. I gave too easily. With E, the relationship was also purely platonic in the beginning with the intent of friendship and rope practice, but there was little slide in this... it was more like being plunged beneath a waterfall. I wasn't even attracted to him at first, then when I saw him again, my body went haywire and I just had to catch up to it. I held back, because he had made it clear that he wasn't interested in anything more than a friend and a practice rope bunny, but apparently he fell too.. (I'd like to hear/read his side of this...) because the next thing I know he's telling me that he wants me for more than just a bit of rope and play. The thrill that ran through me when I read his message, "I want a some sort of a claim on you" is a memory I cherish. Talk about a SQUEEEE! moment...

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercise #2 & #3

Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

Submission is a way of life for me... to a degree. It is a thing both internal and external, of nature and nurture, automatic and sought. An attitude of submission is not the same as submitting to every person I come in contact with, however. To me, it's taking another's needs and desires into consideration before my own.

I am also, submissive in my relationship with E. This submission is twined with my attitude of submission in daily life. It's pretty much every aspect of our relationship, even when in the vanilla realm. This just feels right and when I step outside of that submission to him, even when he's unaware of my attitude, it just doesn't ring true. He leads, I follow. I might bottom to a play partner, but that submission is not the same submission I give to E. 

How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?

I've always yielded easily (until recently). Someone said "do this", usually I did. It might have taken me an hour to do something that should have taken 10 minutes because I got distracted daydreaming or got too detail oriented, but I did it. It's gotten me in trouble, it's gotten me into more than trouble... but I have always had great difficulty saying "no". I've had to learn to, (I have kids... they learned it from somewhere..) but it can still be a hard thing for me to do. 

Persons, including my parents, have long encouraged me to take positions of leadership in groups; to be the person saying "do this" or "go there" and I've never felt comfortable in that role. I struggle with it even as a parent. 

I've forever had difficulty making decisions on my own. It takes me 20 minutes to figure out what I want to order off the menu at McDonald's and even then it's usually my 'standby'... heaven forbid they can't give me that, then I'm back to the drawing board! 

I've had to force myself into the capability to cope with this; to deal with making decisions on my own and dealing with the consequences, because I have little ones that depend on me. There is such joy and relief when I can relinquish that weight of decision and not have to make the choices. Or when I do have to make choices, to have a final approval to seek for them. Not to have to give over the reigns to my life, but rather have his hands over mine... if that makes sense to anyone but me. 

Expressing my submission gives me peace, it brings me joy, it focuses me, settles me.... centers me. I don't like who I am when I discard it... I've attempted it and met with... ugly results. I'ts a part of who I am, not just what I am. 

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercise #1

So In reading others’ blogs I’ve come across this 30 days of submission journaling exercise and I figured I’d give it a try, explore what my submission really is to me and let everyone else know while I’m at it. I doubt I’ll do this every day, but I’m starting it today. When I’ll do the next one, who knows?

I found this version of the aforementioned list here: http://www.submissiveguide.com/2012/03/how-to-use-the-30-days-memes-effectively-to-maximize-submissive-growth/

Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

Somewhat. All of those labels fit my submission and my relationship with E to some degree, at different moments, in various ways. I rarely say I am E’s submissive, but rather say, “I am submissive to E”. If you read my post about weakness, then you know I don’t feel comfortable calling any man Master, but I do exhibit some traits of a slave and I may reach a point where I go past “submissive to E” and into “slave to E”, but I don’t know, can’t tell and won’t strive for that. If it happens, it happens. Sometimes it’s just a scene or practice, and we’re Top and bottom (this is usually when the SAM gets me…). He is my Owner, and yes, I like that term; it’s what is used in our contract and I have a few pet-like characteristics. Sometimes there’s a glimpse of Daddy and little girl even with my stuffed monkey and my pouting. Overall, E guides me. He directs me. He challenges me. He leads me. He corrects me when I need it. He punishes me if necessary. I submit to him and to his authority and decision. That does not mean I blindly follow. I will and do question him, but I do just that, verbally and in depth should I have the need.

Sometimes we’re just E and Surri. Two people just being together. Through all of this I am his. I belong and I am kept. So, I’ll say I’m a submissive (a submissive what, though? lol). I suppose Dominant/submissive covers what we are well enough when describing it to strangers, but it in no way says all that we are, or all that my submission is. 


He's my Sir. I'm his girl. Any other label is partial.