Gratitude

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience the world.” – John Milton

The modern world is crammed with competition and rivalry. Siblings, coworkers, strangers at the mall searching for a parking space or that perfect gift. We are comparing ourselves and our abilities with others from the moment that we first perceive them. While we are focused on keeping up with the Joneses, we are concentrating on all the things that are not within our grasps. Particularly in this hectic shopping season during the Thanksgiving holidays. We've turned a time of giving thanks for what we do have into a desperate harried quest for what we don’t have.

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.” - Epicurus 

Gratitude shifts one’s focus from what life lacks to the abundance that is already present. With the abundance of accessibility and in the age of instant gratification, we struggle to connect it all with our hearts. The answer isn’t more stuff or faster access, it’s more gratitude. At the root of happiness, fulfillment, joy and love is gratitude. Gratitude is the door to the beauty that life offers. An attitude of gratitude is the best first step to living a “charmed” life. One must remember that developing charm and poise is not about filling in the places where one is lacking, it’s about beautifully displaying the extraordinary remarkable you that you already are.

So, today, I challenge you to strive to cultivate an attitude of gratitude, not just one day a year, but year-round. Take your perfunctory “thanks” to the stranger that holds the door open for you to get in out of the cold into a heartfelt “thank you.” Gratitude is developed through daily practice. Slow down in your thoughts and heighten your awareness, which is imperative to increase our gratitude.

Breathe, just breathe. Pause for a moment and take a deep calm breath and let it out. Feel the air go into your lungs, feel the movement of your diaphragm, let it out slowly and feel it move through you. Allow your mind to move with it. Force yourself to slow down and feel your life. Be grateful for that life.

“Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.” –A.A. Milne

We are people who have been given much, who have worked for a great deal of it. Despite our trials and stresses, let’s share our gratitude. Remember that all the good things in our lives have specific sources. People have the free will to be rude or be kind, to love or to hate, to be genuine or to manipulate, to treat us as fellow human beings or to ignore us, to be honest or to lie, to be grateful to us if we have done them good or to hold our gifts in contempt. Others have the same free will that we do. Many people do things large and small to help us. Make sure that those that inspire gratitude in you know it. Bring gratitude from your heart to your lips and hands. Remember, thank you notes aren't only for graduations, weddings and baby showers.

Give thanks. Let us share our gratitude with each other here, now, and always.

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.” – Thornton Wilder

Determination for the Better

I've just begun looking at how to get my currently 4 year old son into boy scouts and had a long discussion with my ex-husband about his homophobia and the scout troops. This brought up quite a train of thought for me. Despite the fact that this man married me and lived with me for three years and fathered my two children, he seems to constantly overlook the fact that I'm bisexual and polyamorous. I'm not even mentioning the fact that I'm kinky on top of all that. It's not like I ever hid any of that from him and at one time he led me to believe that he found this aspect of my being something desirable. It’s this extreme contrast between persons inexplicably terrified of opening their minds and hearts and those that have, even if slowly and privately, embraced all the possibilities that being truly yourself can offer that is causing such conflict. 

Being bisexual and living in the southern United States is a scary thing, especially when you have children. Being polyamorous and living in the southern United States on top of that can be downright terrifying. 

In my experience, being forced to accept that you will never be accepted by your family, by many of your friends, and also by your surrounding community really screws with one’s perception of themselves. If I was totally open about my relationship preferences, some of the consequences I would face might include losing my children, or at the very least a custody battle. My ex-husband, being the homophobic paranoid man that he his, has threatened repeatedly to attempt to take custody of our children because my preferences are not “right” and that my influence on the kids might cause them to be gay or bi or “deviant” should I act on the desires that my preferences engender. Losing my job. I work for a Baptist church that I’ve attended since I was 7 or 8 years old… I think this one is fairly self explanatory, but it also falls into being rejected by my community. My parents and the rest of my family would also likely reject me, despite the fact that I have two cousins who are openly gay. Being bisexual and polyamorous is a whole different matter. That’s just being “shameful and greedy.” (a direct quote from one of those cousins). 

The strides being made to open groups like the boy scouts to gay members and, hopefully... eventually, gay leaders give me hope that maybe, one day,  at least my children won’t have to feel so oppressed. Maybe my struggles with accepting myself, despite the lack of acceptance from others in my life, will help them to see that a person is a person is a person, no matter the color of their skin, their age, their sex, their gender, their sexual preference or how many people they can honestly tell “I love you.” 

Fuckdoll

“Strip and lie on your back on the bed. I’ll be back in a minute,” he instructed as soon as I entered his room. He headed upstairs, likely to pollute the air with cigarette smoke and top off his coffee. I took a deep breath and slid out of my clothes, leaving them in a heap beside the door, then stretched a bit, enjoying the tension in the flex and bend.

I reached up to the ceiling with my hands and then brushed the carpet with my fingertips. A sigh escaped me as I slid my hand down my right side and arched in that direction, stretching the left side, enjoying the give up my ribs and on my hip. I repeated the movement on my left side, the sigh turning into a soft moan. Finally, with a small smile, I turned to the bed and arranged myself on it, my legs hanging off the foot of the mattress and feet brushing the floor.

It wasn’t long before he returned, set his coffee cup beside the bed and leaned over to kiss me. His “Good girl,” brought another happy sigh. He moved to my feet and rolled stockings up my legs, left first, smoothing the silky fabric up to my thighs before slipping his favorite black patent heels on my feet. He stood and ordered “Up.” So, I sat up, my eyes closed and a smile curving my lips. He slid the leather play collar over the skin of my throat and I leaned into it with a little moan. My breath stumbled as he clicked the lock closed and moved to remove my silver day collar from beneath the leather one. The feel of my pulse thudding against the leather collar blurred my mind as it always does.

I could feel him smile, though he stood above me. His thumbs found the pressure points on my shoulders and he pushed, eliciting louder moans. My eyes remained closed and he shoved me back on the bed. I landed with an ungraceful flop, my mind fogged. I heard him move away for a moment, a door closed, likely to the bathroom, but I was unconcerned and just lay there enjoying the state he brings me to with such little effort.

I heard him return, felt the bed dip with his weight and I made the herculean effort to open my eyes and look at him for a moment before he rolled me over onto my stomach. My eyes slid closed once more and I heard the murmur of the rope before I felt it. The soft scratch or the rope over the skin of my inner wrist brought a little squirm, my thighs rubbing together. He bound my wrists and pulled them toward the head of the bed. “How is my toy?” his voice rumbled in my ear.

I managed a response after a moment, “Good, Sir.” Again, I could feel his smile as he moved away from me. I do so love that smile. He ran a hand down my back and over my bottom, and then dipped fingers between my legs. Two fingers, three, I couldn’t tell anymore from the pleasure he wrought. The bed moved again as he wrapped his hand around my hair, twisted the bun and pressed my face into the mattress.

“Cum, toy,” he commanded. I began the orgasm, tensing my muscles and my body obeyed. My pussy clenched around his fingers and my abdominals pulsed along with them, curling my body. He finally relented and stopped moving his fingers and the orgasm abated slowly.

“Thank you, Sir,” I murmured, but he yanked my head back and clamped his pussy dampened hand over my mouth and nose. I dimly heard “Good cunt.” as I fought to breathe. I struggled to pull my hands down to claw at the hand halting my breath. My entire body tightened as the need for air intensified. How long has his hand kept me from breathing? I don’t know anymore. My world narrowed to my body’s need for oxygen and his hand that controls me so.

“You can cum when you can breathe,” I heard. The words seemed to resound in my ears. My eyes have opened now, on the verge of panic, despite my knowledge that my Sir would never damage what is His. His hand now holds back a scream as well as the air, a barrier both ways. And then it is gone.

An orgasm rushes through me as breath sobs in and out of me until the intensity of it stops the panted moans again and again. All thought is gone and all that exists is this. All that has ever been and all that will be is caught in that moment of ecstasy. Slowly the orgasm subsided and I could feel his hand in my hair still, his fingers stroking my face.

“Thank you, Sir,” I managed hoarsely.

“Mmmmm good girl,” I received. Then he entered me. “Lie still, I want to fuck my toy,” he ordered. If I could have spoken I would have replied with a “yessir” but my voice was engaged in a long low moan with the feel of his cock moving inside my pussy. His hand moved to pull my head back by my collar while he braced himself with the other. I wanted to cum. I wanted to beg to cum, but knew that if he wanted an orgasm from me, he would say so. I fought it desperately, my body tightened with the battle against my need to orgasm. Guttural cries echoed from my open mouth unhindered by the pressure on my throat from his hold on the collar.

“Are you needy, toy?” he asked me.

My response was another moan and a roughly spoken “Yessirrr”.

“Aren't you a lucky girl that I like to feel you cum? If I didn’t, you wouldn't get to," he reminded me, which made my struggle against orgasm even more difficult. “You may cum when I do, toy.”

I accomplished another croaked “Yessir” and dug my fingernails into the palms of my bound hands as he thrust into me harder and faster. My breath automatically stopped in the fight against the need to cum. I could hear my pulse thump in my ears, the blood rushing unsteadily through my veins until I felt like I might fail him. A moment longer and I might not be able to obey his command against orgasm.

“Release, cunt. Cum for me, toy,” he growled and the world was gone. My pussy contracted around his cock and I felt his cum fill me, felt him twitch and throb inside me then I was gone, lost in this incredibly severe ecstasy that he draws from me. I came until my abs ached from it and still it did not stop. I came until my stomach churned with it and still it continued. Slowly the intensity faded, but I felt him pull out of me and it came again in painfully pleasurable waves until finally it faded from me.

I whispered a “Thank you, Sir” weakly and he pulled my head to his cock. I licked and sucked him clean and drifted for a while with it in my mouth before he patted the bed next to him. With a soft sigh, I curled up half beside him, half draped over him and listened to his heartbeat, my head on his chest.

This. This is bliss. Utterly used and happily satisfied.

Quietly.

“Thank you, Sir.”

“Good girl.”

© surrina booke 2013
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This short Fuckdoll story at the request of BookAddict on GoodReads. It is very close to being qualified as reality as it is very much about my life and my journey. This story is mostly a compilation of parts from scenes between myself and my Sir. The piece in its entirety is imagined, but quite possibly real and I just blended one scene into another as my mind so often does… it does sound quite like my Sir and me.

~E's Surri

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercises #28 & #29

28) Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that.

Yes to all, but I really don’t feel comfortable sharing details on this one with the World Wide Web. In handling it, I stepped back, re-evaluated and brought myself back on the course that I desired most.

29) Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

Pain, yes. Humiliation, by that name is not a part of my submission. Humility, however, is. I am a sadomasochist, so pain is part of our play as well as punishment. The purpose behind the pain alters my reception and reaction to it.

 I do embrace the pain both as a part of my submission and as something entirely separate. Being sadistic as well as masochistic means that I have to give not only my desire to be hurt but my desire to hurt others to my Sir, including him.... especially him. Holding sadism and masochism separate from the typical concepts of Dominant and submissive means that I do not associate one with the other. I've seen submissive sadists and masochistic Dominants. 

While pain is often a tool used in power exchange, it is not something that only goes one way. When we learn to let go of those preconceived notions that Dominants deal the pain and submissives accept it an entire new realm of possibilities appears, leaning more toward the primal side of human nature. One must yield and another must triumph in order for the balance to be found, but, in the balance, both have won. 

A Year...

A year tonight at midnight since our first kiss… since the expression of that desire for more than just a play partner or the rigger/rope bunny relationship. From a message prompted by an adorable little kitten photo on the profile of a guy that made an interesting comment on I don’t remember exactly what to… this. To having his collar around my throat, hearing the chime of his bells on my ankle as I move, and having my heart more than full with love for this man that continues to amaze me.  

It’s been a wonderful, complicated, and convoluted year. He and I have become We… and more. I am so grateful for everything that he gives me. His love, his strength, and his guidance. His support, his care, and his brutality. His control, his rope, and his touch. He’s brought me more than I have ever hoped for. Often, all I have to do is look at him to be overwhelmed with awe at this beautiful thing we share. This… more than love. 

Thank you, Sir, for that kiss and for everything that has followed. Is tusa mo Rogha. Tá grá agam duit.

~His_Surri

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercises #22-#27

22) Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

Yes,  it’s very frustrating and exhausting, but there are little things. Like goals I set for myself. A new skill to learn, a study on manners, etiquette, rituals, protocol, something. It’s especially difficult for me when I don’t feel like I’m progressing and there’s nothing to keep my mind occupied. If my mind is left alone to run amok then bad things happen and depression sets in. I still struggle with this even though I do have a dominant partner, especially when I feel that I am unable to contact him freely. I don’t exactly handle it well, but I try to cope with my feelings. It would be easier if I was able to be more involved in the local community or felt able to express some form of submission in action and attitude without being shunned, ridiculed or berated in this house where I live, but that’s just something I have to deal with right now. Submission isn’t just something I do. It’s a part of who I am, it’s what I term my “default setting” being anything else takes effort that I can’t always muster.

23) Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

Sometimes I worry that my children suffer from my submissive nature. It is extremely difficult for me to remain consistent in discipline because of it. Both of my children have more dominant natures right now than I do and it’s a struggle for me to retain control of them. Having an outlet for my submission has helped a great deal, but I still worry that they’ll walk all over me as teens. My family and I don’t really get along well but that’s due to more than my submissive nature, but it is in part.

I also worry that my ex-husband may use my involvement in BDSM as leverage to attempt to take my kids from me. That is, I think, my greatest fear, but this is a part of who I am. Not doing it is no longer an option if I wish to stay truly happy.

24) What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

Access my submission? My submission is always there. I don’t really… “access” it. I’d debate that submission has its own emotion. One that is only describable as a submissive emotion.

25) Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals? 

My Collar because it is a symbol of pride that I am owned, a reminder of to whom I belong, and a declaration to the world that I am his. My Slave Bell Anklet because it reminds me of my position; its chime guides my movements and reminds me that every one is made for my Owner. My Rope Cuff because my Sir made it for me and it was our first symbol of my submission to him… and it’s rope. My Hemp Collar because it was my first collar and it’s hemp and E surprised me with it. My Corner because it is reminiscent of my Spot at my Sir’s feet and because I have been trained that my focus is on him and my submission to him in this place. My Devotion because it is my ritual focusing all of myself on my service to E and his pleasure in it.

26) What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

Integrity. Strength. Ingenuity. Determination. Honesty. Open Communication. My Sir has also shown me a quality that I had discounted before but value so much in him: A considerate spirit. I do also have a need for rope and a comfort level conducive for deep connected submission but I don’t know of any other musts.

27) Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

Sort of. I have fantasies of being the victim in a bound gang bang. I have rape fantasies. I fantasize about being bound and blindfolded and used as a party favor. I sometimes want to be fucked until I pass out from it… and not care who does it. I know these types of things carry a lot of risks and it is for that reason that I have not pursued them. These risks scare me. The consequences of these fantasies being a reality could be long term and could possibly affect my children. Sometimes it’s best to let the fantasy remain fantasy. 

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercises #20 & #21

 Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

Yes. My submission is situational, I think. Submission is a constant, but the persons and the environments involved and the things going on in my life alter how present my submission is in my mind. I have had to renegotiate my submission because I simply could not handle the stresses brought on by a combination of new and challenging rules, a recent divorce, two children, work and contemplating returning to school at the time. Submission is like walking a balance beam.. not quite as treacherous as a tightrope  (haha) but still a challenge to maintain equilibrium within one’s self and one’s relationships as well as one’s responsibilities. I suppose what I mean is that my submission increases and decreases from moment to moment. It’s a constant fluctuation in order to maintain balance in the circus that is my life.

Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

I don’t know if it “makes” me feel most submissive, but the position that I feel most submissive in, and I feel expresses my submission best is to kneel at my Owner’s feet, wrap my arms around his legs and rest my head on the tops of his feet. There is also my “happy place” which varies between a modified nadu with my head on my Owner’s knee and my hands on his ankle or my arms and legs wrapped around his leg. As well as a position kneeling with my knees wide, hips up, arms outstretched on the floor before me.

These don’t really have names for me at the moment… We've so far avoided using most of the usual names for positions and we haven’t really gotten much into position training, but those three really take me to my deepest submissive mindset, I think. 

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercises #18 & #19

 Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?
When I have an opinion, I state it. Otherwise, I’ve always had difficulty making decisions. I prefer for the choices to be made for me, if I have an issue with the choice that is made, then I will make it known… Right now, not always in the most respectful manner, but I’m getting better with that. 
E and I have both noted that communication seems to just come so easily with us. It’s easy for me to be utterly me with him and I would hope the same is true of him with me. It’s easier for me to let him know what I want and need but so often I don’t need to… So very often it’s instinctive. 
So, communication, for us, isn’t always verbal, or if it is, it isn’t always lingual, but it seems to get the point across wonderfully. Without it, we wouldn’t be what we are.

 How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online? 
It varies. There are some that I seek out to talk to when I need another point of view. I love Fetlife for its connectedness and its interest groups. I am a member of a couple of ‘kink’ groups in my area, if that’s what you want to call them. But I rarely get to attend events thanks to my family and my ‘nilla obligations.
I’m not a super social person, and that follows through with my submission. I’m a homebody, I tend to want to stay at home and have others come to me… That being said, I have no qualms about having a damn good dinner or other form of get together at what I consider my home (where E lives.. where I live right now is just a house, not my home, but that’s another post) but I’m infinitely more comfortable in familiar surroundings with familiar expectations than I am going somewhere where I don’t know where anything is, have to ask what’s where and what I can or can’t use, and all that… with people I don’t know and well… I’m much more comfortable at home. Lol 
I stick closer to my “happy place” at E’s knee when I’m not comfortable with my surroundings. Granted, I’m there whenever I can be anyway, but it’s more needed rather than wanted when I am not at ease. The first time I went to an event for The Red Chair, I had a panic attack in the car before going in. I’d fought it the entire way there, and when I put the car in park I just broke down. I wasn’t with E then in any form… I don’t remember if I’d even met him at that point, but I had some other friends that were supposed to be there a few minutes later. If it hadn’t been for them and my Xanax I would never have made it out of my car that night. 
I’m very grateful that I did, as I love my TRC family, even if I don’t get to see them very often, but I’m still stepping outside of my comfort  zone with every event I attend. It’s a process and it’s getting better, but, suffice it to say, my submission is vaguely socially connected when it can be.

Ranting Again

Why does it seem that the women of all the blogs I read and even the ones I come into direct contact with have more than enough money and time to get all pampered and buy special things and do fun activities that cost.. well.. MONEY? Maybe it just seems so glaring to me right now because I have ... well.. none. And I'm floundering, fighting against a ton of jealousy. Trying to keep that "positive attitude" that's included in my contract and be a good sub and a good mother and student and... whatever else I have to be for the day. A good me. But dammit it's HARD. Because of my location, I'm isolated. Because of my schedule, I'm isolated. Because of my lack of money, I'm isolated. It's no one's fault and I know it'll take time to be fixed, but dammit... I'm beyond tired of it right now.

A break would be nice. To not get chastised for being negative. For using my ever present sarcastic defenses.... For saying "really???" one too many times. I know I brought these things on myself, but I need a way to express my frustration. I usually get it out by over reacting to the little things. Example: stupid song comes on pandora.. I had just thumbs downed one almost exactly like it two songs before. Reaction? "Really??  Seriously?? Sheesh!" I get frowned at at the very least. And oh wait.. I'm supposed to reduce my use of the word stupid applying to nonthinking things... well crap. I say I want a break.. but really I don't think I do. I want more consistency. If I can't say those things then... I should get the frown EVERY time... not just when he's tired or fed up with someone else saying such things. Such as with cursing. He's not been reacting happily to my using curse words lately, but when I ask him if he doesn't want me to use such words so I can make a conscious effort NOT to use those words... he says no.. so what's the solution here? I don't like his frown. I'd much rather have his smile...

I've considered attempting to alter my speech on my own, but every time I think of doing that, I remember that we're suppposed to be in this together. I want the instruction.. I NEED the instruction. and for it to come from him. I know that doesn't make sense to some but it's the way my brain works, I suppose. Words have a lot of meaning for me. I used to be more particular about the ones I use, and I still am when I'm in mixed company, but with E I often just let my mouth run with my mind and ramble on and on and on and on. It seems to be fairly unique to him as I don't do that with anyone else really. I may ramble, but with E there's no filter. I suppose I expect him to correct me if I say something he doesn't approve of.. instead I get that... frown.

I read other submissive women's writings and I have to fight that jealousy monster again. I see where they've written about their Dominant counterparts correcting them and how frustrated they feel about it and yet they obviously appreciate it... and I just get more frustrated. The fact that I can't currently live with E is a factor, I know, but even when I'm with him alone for weekends... I dunno. Maybe I'm expecting too much. I do that often. 

Ah well. Time for me to head to class. Maybe a solution will present itself soon. 

~Surri 

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercise #17

What does trust mean to you in the context of submission? 
Trust

noun /trəst/  trusts, plural 1.      Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something §  - relations have to be built on trust §  - they have been able to win the trust of the others 2.     Acceptance of the truth of a statement without evidence or investigation §  - I used only primary sources, taking nothing on trust 3.     The state of being responsible for someone or something §  - a man in a position of trust 4.     A person or duty for which one has responsibility §  - rulership is a trust from God 5.     A hope or expectation §  - all the great trusts of womanhood 6.     Confidence placed in a person by making that person the nominal owner of property to be held or used for the benefit of one or more others 7.     An arrangement whereby property is held in such a way §  - a trust was set up §  - the property is to be held in trust for his son verb /trəst/   trusted, past participle; trusted, past tense; trusting, present participle;trusts, 3rd person singular present 8.     Believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of §  - I should never have trusted her §  - he can be trusted to carry out an impartial investigation §  - a trusted adviser 9.     Allow someone to have, use, or look after (someone or something of importance or value) with confidence §  - I'd trust you with my life 10.   Commit (someone or something) to the safekeeping of §  - they don't like to trust their money to anyone outside the family 11.     Have confidence; hope (used as a polite formula in conversation) §  - I trust that you have enjoyed this book 12.    Have faith or confidence §  - she trusted in the powers of justice 13.    Place reliance on (luck, fate, or something else over which one has little control) §  - trusting to the cover of night, I ventured out

I have removed all the definitions that I did not feel related what “trust” means to me. I believe in my Sir. He believes in me. WE believe in US. We accept each other as we are. Faults, flaws and redemptions in one. Also, not only is E responsible for me, I am responsible for him. For his reputation and his wellbeing. He has my hope and my confidence and I… I am his property. We have an arrangement that I am to be “held in such a way”… lol Maybe not exactly the same, but I feel it still applies.

The verb though… “Believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of” wow. “Allow someone to have, use, or look after with confidence” oh and “Commit to the safekeeping of” those define the action of submission for me so well. Submission is trust. It cannot exist independently of trust. Not in a healthy manner. I place reliance on that which I have little control all the time because I have given that control to him. 

He has such a big job. In that one thing, I put so much on him. I need my trust in him. That reliance. To give him that control and have little of it. And I only want to give him more. I don’t see how he does it.

So trust in the context of submission… is everything. 

Begging

I think my issue with begging is that if I retain the mindfulness necessary to do it justice, I lose the pleasant state of being wherein I need not think, which is a highly desirable portion of my submission, and since words have great power with  me I prefer to choose important ones carefully, which takes thought. Anything that I would feel important enough to truly beg for would deserve such forethought. Also, since I hold words so dear, when I struggle against that mindlessness and stumble over my words it shames me to a degree and I don't like that at all. I feel stupid that I haven't been able to come up with better words to articulate that need/want better and that I have, in my blundering, shamed that which I ask for and my Sir, whom I ask it from. 

I do beg with actions. I'll rub my cheek against him, press it to his feet sometimes. When he's caning or spanking me or the like I'll often lift up one side of my bottom to ask for more there. I whimper, I whine. I pout and sometimes feel like I get those big pleading eyes ... but verbally, I totally fail at begging. My mind goes blank and there's nothing there but "please". While I do so enjoy that state, E has expressed a desire to hear me beg with more than whines and whimpers on occasion. So, he has asked me to come up with at least ten ways for me to ask him to allow me into his bed as a starting point...

Would it please you for your girl to sleep in your bed tonight, Sir?

Sir, have I been good enough to sleep in your bed tonight?

May I please get into your bed, Sir?

Please, Sir, may your girl get into your bed now?

Sir, your girl is tired. Does she have permission to get into your bed?

(and at this point I think I'd just fall asleep on the floor, but to continue the exercise..)

Sir, is there anything that I may do to be allowed in your bed tonight?

How may I earn a place in your bed tonight, Sir?

Please, may I sleep in your bed tonight, Sir, so that I may rest well and better serve you tomorrow?

Please, Sir, would you allow your girl the pleasure of sleeping in your bed tonight?

(and as I fall asleep on my knees....)

I'm sleepy. Can I come to bed now?

So. There are ten. I feel as if they're more formally asking than begging, but I refuse to lessen my self worth, grovel or attempt to promise things I don't intend to follow through with in order to get anything I want, nor do I think E would want that of me. I suppose that's why I feel that I need to have my wits about me at least partially in order to properly "beg". 

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercise #15 & #16

Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future? 
My submission has changed and, yes, evolved over time. I’m still discovering aspects of it and I feel that I always will be. I don’t think I’d be happy if I felt I had figured it all out and there was nothing left to explore… at least not at this point in my life. Maybe when I’m 90 or so. ;) It’s ever shifting, even from day to day. And each aspect of my submission is changing. Like the sunlight shifts through a stained glass window, the light shines through different colors at different strengths and at different angles every day, so is my submission. 

 Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person? 
The person and my connection with them has everything to do with how I submit. Also, see above. But, yes, it always depends on the person, the gender, the environment, the weather. LOL It is all about action and reaction with the one I submit to, but also within myself. 

Truth & Mercy

Let not mercy and truth forsake thee; bind them about thy neck, write them upon the tablet of thine heart. 

So shalt thou find favor and good understanding in the sight of God and man.
Proverbs 3:3-4 21st Century King James Version (KJ21)

This verse was brought to my attention via a post in a group I am a member of on Fetlife. It resonated and so I dwelled there with it for a while and read what others had said about it. One had used it in a collaring ritual with his submissive, another found historical references to relate to the Dominant/submissive dynamic, others saw no connection. I, being the lover of lexis that I am, wanted to first explore the meaning of these two oh so important words that the Bible says I should bear on my neck and my heart. 
mer·cy

 /ˈmərsē/ noun
mercies, plural

1. Compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm

- the boy was screaming and begging for mercy

- the mercies of God

2. An event to be grateful for, esp. because its occurrence prevents something unpleasant or provides relief from suffering

- his death was in a way a mercy

3. (esp. of a journey or mission) Performed out of a desire to relieve suffering; motivated by compassion

- mercy missions to refugees caught up in the fighting 

truth

 /trooTH/ noun
truths, plural

1. The quality or state of being true

- he had to accept the truth of her accusation

2. That which is true or in accordance with fact or reality

- tell me the truth

- she found out the truth about him

3. A fact or belief that is accepted as true

- the emergence of scientific truths

- the fundamental truths about mankind 

Thank you, Google! I love the diction in this scripture. To take these and bind them about my neck and write them upon the document that is my heart means so much. It is one thing to hold things in one’s heart and keep them dear, but with mercy and truth, to make them a part of my heart, not just in it. To not hide them only inside, but to wear them proudly on my neck and let all know that these claim me and that I claim them. Mercy; this is compassion, forgiveness, kindness, understanding, benevolence. Truth; this is fact, honesty, sincerity, genuineness, certainty, uprightness. I am to not only accept them and give them in their entirety. I am to make them a part of who and what I am and how others see me. 

Ironically, E once screen-named himself these two words. Truth and Mercy… So this verse is just made a bit dearer to me.

"Good Girl": Those Two Words

Recently a friend of mine wrote a piece on how hearing “good girl” from her partner (not necessarily Dominant in this case) caused her to endure something that she didn't want to do because she wanted to do it…. Yes, I know it sounds confusing at first, but after a bit of thought it makes sense. I sat for a while wondering if I should comment.. If her writing meant enough to me to want to applaud it, and I decided not to. Partly because it didn't align with me well. It moved me, obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be writing about it here, but hearing those two words isn't just a motivator to get me to do what E wants me to do. It isn't just a guide to help me get through something that I might not have been able to handle otherwise. Those two words are the goal at the end of my day. I know life is different for everyone and I’m glad that she has found some importance in this phrase, but it’s so much more to me than an enabler.

I haven’t heard those two words in too long now. I can’t remember how long it’s been.  A week? Two? Who knows, but I ache for them… It is this that seems to have kept me from being able to reply to her post.  I don’t feel that I’ve deserved them lately either.  I’ve been moody and whiney and have resisted doing things that I know I should do.. some even that he’s instructed me to do. And I haven’t always told him about it either…

 I have so many facets that it’s hard for me to keep up with what side of me is up today…  Is today the brat? The rope bunny? The toy? The wicked little sadomasochist? The service sub? The pet? The little girl? They’re all a part of me and often work together, but sometimes one portion of my submission needs more than the others. I don’t know why, it may be due to other aspects of my life, it may just be due to my mindset, but I’m feeling a little lost in them right now and I feel like I need to pick one for now. Find one that suits this melancholy and irritated self that I’ve been.

I feel like I’m so much work… so much trouble. My shifty attitude, my baggage, my complications, my apparently rollercoaster emotions.  What I feel I need is so ever shifting how can I expect anyone to keep up? But it seems E does. He manages my fits and works with my complications. He accepts all my baggage and helps me sort through it. He takes my attitude in stride and adjusts it should he need to... at least most of the time. He does so well, that I often feel lost when I can’t lean on him.

I rely on him for so much. The positive reinforcement of “good girl” is my cue that it’s ok to rely on him for all that. That what I’m doing is what he needs, just as much as what he does is what I need… without it, I feel like I’m not doing my job… Those two words are the ruler against which I measure myself.

Now, I’m not sure why I haven’t heard them lately. It may very well be that he’s using other words to attempt some variety... or that he’s just not thought of it… It may be that he’s said them, but my current state has rejected them… or that he is actually displeased with me for something or another, but I miss them. I need to hear these words. I may totally break down when I do hear them again, and E will once again pick up my pieces, but I need it. I need to be his good girl again, whatever else I may be.

I’m sorry for the disjointedness of this post, but I felt that I had to get this out somewhere and that if I took the time to edit it, I wouldn’t post it. I dunno. Maybe I’m looking for problems where there aren’t any, but, to borrow a phrase from Madeline’s Ms. Clavel, “Something is not right!” 

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercise #14

 Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

Yes, in its way, my faith does influence my submission. I wouldn’t call my method of submission a ‘biblical submission’ but God’s word does dictate my actions. He is my Master. No other will be addressed as such. I am a Christian. I consider myself nondenominational, but I am a follower of Christ. Does that mean I’m perfect? Absolutely not, whoever came up with the idea that Christians are supposed to be perfect needed a reality check.

I struggle with my submission sometimes. I struggled with living my faith like I was told I was supposed to more. I grew up in and still attend a Baptist church yet I agree with very little that is taught there. However, my pastor preached a sermon recently on the mind of Christ and I was overwhelmed. I thought, FINALLY. This is something worth discussing. His three points were Submission, Service, and Sacrifice. I FELT that sermon as I have felt so few. And yet, the people around me heard the same words and were unaffected, unaltered. Not even a stoic “amen”. I wasn’t expecting a sudden conversion to the more enthusiastic Pentacostal, but seriously? Why is the topic of submission so overlooked?

I am aware that there must be leaders if there are to be followers, but when all try to lead… it becomes a great big mess. Some people are called to it. Others, like myself, are called to submission. I know my place, I cherish it now that I’ve found it. I can feel when I am out of it. I don’t believe that every Christian is called to follow the path of submission, but it is a much overlooked one. The meaning of “submit” has been shoved under the rug and lost in churches such as mine, where it should be cherished just as much as the leaders of the church are.

There can be no true equality in any situation. Yes, we have similar opportunities, but in any relationship, be it friendship, corporate, or evangelical, there will be a situation of the leader and the lead. It may shift. It may not. But it will happen.

I feel that the submissive spirit is frowned upon. Utterly unwelcome. It saddens me to see people cringe when they hear “I am a slave of Christ” oooh slave.. slaves have no choices, we have choices.. let’s use “servant” instead.. yeah.. UGH!!!! Slave. A willing slave.

Maybe it’s my experience as a submissive in the BDSM world that gives me such a unique view of this, but it’s a fierce neglect where I am and it breaks my heart that my efforts to correct it have fallen flat.

Ok… rant over. Anyway. Yes. Obviously my faith/religion/whateveryouchoosetocallit influences my submission. To each their own.

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercises #12 & #13

 Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

Yes. E and I have a loose budget set for me right now. We don’t live together at the moment (unfortunately, but I’m trying to be patient on that) so it’s difficult to create an itemized budget, and I don’t know that he’d want to do that even if we were living together.

We have an entire portion of our Rule Book dedicated to Finances and Employment… I’ll just copy paste it here…

Finances and Employment

1.      Each party understands that prior to engagement of said relationship both have acquired certain personal property and wealth. These items do not become the property of the Owner once the relationship has been entered into that they remain the sole responsibility of their owner. Should the Submissive desire to relinquish any or all property then she may do so and then and only then does it become the responsibility of the Owner.

2.      The Submissive understands that she is expected to complete her college degree.

3.      A budget will be set for the Submissive regardless her state of employment. Any deviation from that budget is considered worthy of punishment as seen fit by the Owner.

4.      The Submissive must propose all major expenditures to the Owner for approval; this includes any singular purchase over $50 and any unnecessary purchase for pleasure or recreation over $20 with the exclusion of items that may be returned for full refunds, in which case the item must be approved by the Owner as soon as possible after purchase and with the receipt.

5.      Should the Submissive maintain gainful employment outside the home after the relationship has been entered into then all moneys and accumulation by the Submissive belong to the Submissive, however the Owner maintains all final decisions and shall allow the Submissive to discuss matters regarding investments and moneys spent for the benefit of the relationship. Both parties agree that while at work neither shall do or cause to happen anything that may jeopardize the others employment, understanding that each must maintain bills and together, a household.

6.      Should the Submissive not be required to maintain gainful employment outside the home, her duties shall be maintaining the family and the home ensuring that it is kept proper and clean at all times and that meals are prepared in accordance with the Owner's wishes and in doing so fulfills her financial obligations to the home. The Owner shall maintain any medical insurance necessary and assume financial responsibility for the Submissive. The Owner shall also establish a savings fund for the Submissive and maintain it, contributing to it regularly so that should the relationship dissolve the Submissive has a means to sustain herself until she may either find gainful employment or make other arrangements.

I don’t pay him. He doesn’t pay me. He guides me and helps me prepare for my future and the future of my children… and our future together. I know there are other arrangements that aren’t so… advantageous. I am blessed to have a good man as my Dominant; a good man that loves and takes good care of his girl. 

I don't like the concept of turning over one's entire income to a Dominant that one is not married to or without other legal provisions. I don't like the thought of a Dominant not caring for his submissive's future financially if such a situation is arranged. I've heard horror stories of subs that turn over their entire life, including money, to a Dominant and when they are, for some reason, released, they are turned out without a penny or a place to go. I am aware that this is not the norm, but it frightens me to know that it happens sometimes. 

I often have trouble with numbers and I struggle with impulse buying. This is the reason I have never and do not currently have a credit card. I realize that this is something I need help with and, as with everything else, I turn to my Sir for it. I update him with my account balance occasionally, though he doesn't require it, so that he can know how well or how poorly I am managing what I have. Yes, it's another measure of submission, but I really don't make the effort for it. It's just what seems right. I know that if I am not held accountable for this more than once a month I will more than likely spend more than is needed on things that aren't needed and be without money for the things that I do need... like gas or money for a bill. E helps keep me on track. 

Quite often I've been late for a bill payment. Quite often I've missed a bill payment... for absolutely no reason... just because no one made me pay it, I suppose... Now I have someone to make me and I'm grateful for it. 

 Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?

Yes, I am always to be available sexually to my Sir. It is this way because we both enjoy it. There are limits, our safety, the safety and well being of my children, and our public reputations dictate the appropriateness of time and place, but otherwise… that’s pretty much it. I belong to him, he uses me when he wants… ok. Sometimes when I want too. ;) but that’s easy as I usually ‘want’.

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercize #11

Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

Yes, I include service as part of the expectations of my submission. I haven't really in previous relationships, at least not consciously, but in my relationship with E it seems to have been a natural development. It bothers me if he takes his dishes to the sink. It upsets me if he takes mine... I find that I really enjoy the feeling I get from making his coffee just so and bringing it to him. I even enjoy cleaning his bathroom... Because it's his. It's taking care of my Dominant. It's seeing that his life is made easier because of me. It's part of making him happy... of feeling the way I do when he obviously appreciates the things I have done for him. Taking care of him, his surroundings, his belongings, and his needs is where I feel the most HIS. I feel a bit lost when I'm not able to do something for him. If he is busy and I can't help it unsettles me to a degree. I want to be doing something for him consciously whenever possible. I'm still exploring this need and I feel that I probably will be for a long time as there are so many possible aspects of it. Right now I'm just doing what feels right most of the time, as E doesn't really require most of this from me... it just seems to come.

I was rather surprised at this development with us for several reasons. One of those reasons being that my ex-husband attempted to push me into a servile mindset more than once and I resisted it strongly. So much so that it was one of the many reasons I divorced him. It is odd to me that I want to clean for E and make his bed and wash his clothes and shine his shoes and do all those little things that I trudge through in any other situation... but when it's HIS... it's different. It's spreading too. So that as long as I can keep the mindset that whatever I am doing is for him and I can gain his pleasure out of whatever my task is, I find an odd joy in it. At least when nothing else interferes with the mindset.

This... I am still adjusting to.

I don't feel that I've at all answered all there is on this topic, but I feel that, to do it justice, I will return to it at another time. Until then, I'll move on. 

~Surri