Ranting Again

Why does it seem that the women of all the blogs I read and even the ones I come into direct contact with have more than enough money and time to get all pampered and buy special things and do fun activities that cost.. well.. MONEY? Maybe it just seems so glaring to me right now because I have ... well.. none. And I'm floundering, fighting against a ton of jealousy. Trying to keep that "positive attitude" that's included in my contract and be a good sub and a good mother and student and... whatever else I have to be for the day. A good me. But dammit it's HARD. Because of my location, I'm isolated. Because of my schedule, I'm isolated. Because of my lack of money, I'm isolated. It's no one's fault and I know it'll take time to be fixed, but dammit... I'm beyond tired of it right now.

A break would be nice. To not get chastised for being negative. For using my ever present sarcastic defenses.... For saying "really???" one too many times. I know I brought these things on myself, but I need a way to express my frustration. I usually get it out by over reacting to the little things. Example: stupid song comes on pandora.. I had just thumbs downed one almost exactly like it two songs before. Reaction? "Really??  Seriously?? Sheesh!" I get frowned at at the very least. And oh wait.. I'm supposed to reduce my use of the word stupid applying to nonthinking things... well crap. I say I want a break.. but really I don't think I do. I want more consistency. If I can't say those things then... I should get the frown EVERY time... not just when he's tired or fed up with someone else saying such things. Such as with cursing. He's not been reacting happily to my using curse words lately, but when I ask him if he doesn't want me to use such words so I can make a conscious effort NOT to use those words... he says no.. so what's the solution here? I don't like his frown. I'd much rather have his smile...

I've considered attempting to alter my speech on my own, but every time I think of doing that, I remember that we're suppposed to be in this together. I want the instruction.. I NEED the instruction. and for it to come from him. I know that doesn't make sense to some but it's the way my brain works, I suppose. Words have a lot of meaning for me. I used to be more particular about the ones I use, and I still am when I'm in mixed company, but with E I often just let my mouth run with my mind and ramble on and on and on and on. It seems to be fairly unique to him as I don't do that with anyone else really. I may ramble, but with E there's no filter. I suppose I expect him to correct me if I say something he doesn't approve of.. instead I get that... frown.

I read other submissive women's writings and I have to fight that jealousy monster again. I see where they've written about their Dominant counterparts correcting them and how frustrated they feel about it and yet they obviously appreciate it... and I just get more frustrated. The fact that I can't currently live with E is a factor, I know, but even when I'm with him alone for weekends... I dunno. Maybe I'm expecting too much. I do that often. 

Ah well. Time for me to head to class. Maybe a solution will present itself soon. 

~Surri 

I Hate Sundays

I hate feeling so out of the loop. Never spending time with anyone other than my kids and my immediate family… and every once in a while I get to see E… even more rarely do I get to see other people that I can actually have an honest conversation with about something other than my kids or my immediate family. It’s to the point where I try not to get on social media sites because it makes me so depressed.  Yes, this is a rant… sorry. It needs to get out.  Everyone’s talking about how much fun they had here or what so and so did there and I’m still an observer and a distant one at that. For a while I felt like I was a part of it, at least minimally, but now? I’m watching through binoculars. I’m the kid in the corner crying ‘cause she didn’t get picked, pouting because nobody talks to her, whining because everyone else is in their own little groups and she’s not allowed to join. I get to visit. It’s frustrating and it hurts. It’s no one’s fault, but that doesn’t make it any less difficult. 

I seem to have had this problem wherever I go. I never feel… included, even when I strive to be or even when I try to create a “group” of my own versus joining one. Not at school, not when I was working, not at church… but I feel like I could be, here, but I just… can’t. I can’t make it to community functions, I can’t get online for TRC chats, ACES is a rare and special thing… It’s either a time that I don’t have free, too expensive to go, or it’s just too far away. or all of the above. I hate that I’m sitting here whining about it, but maybe if I get this out I’ll find a way to fix it or get over it. I feel like I’m screaming “poor pitiful me” while I know life could be so much worse… but this just won’t go away.  I wish I knew a solution. Maybe someone else has one.

E's Birthday Celebration

The Edible Aphrodisiac Exploration that we did for E's birthday went wonderfully! 

There was a lot of great food and good friends and I think it went damn well. I don't have a lot to say about it, but I thought I'd share a few pictures as an update.

Menu:                                                                                                            Chipotle Turkey Nachos, Celery Tomato Cucumber Salad, Lavender Chicken Salad in pita pockets, Honey Ginger Glazed Carrots, and Almond Stuffed Mushrooms. With a dessert table of Fruit Salad, Peach Champagne Sorbet, a Mint Watermelon Vodka Sorbet, Chocolate Banana Slices with Chopped Almonds, Chocolate Honey Banana Bread, Melted Chocolates with Strawberries, Bacon, and Marshmallows for dipping and the dark chocolate and whiskey "Beautiful and Damned" birthday cake. Drinks were a Honey Lavender Lemonade, Coffee, Iced Tea and whatever else anyone brought.

I think my favorites were the Turkey Nachos, Peach Champagne Sorbet and The Cake lol. E said his favorites were the Fruit Salad, the Peach Champagne Sorbet, and The Cake as well...

I enjoyed pretty much every part of this party, including the after-party birthday beating! 

I'll be back with more substantial posts once life calms down a bit. 

Until then! 

~Surri

busy busy busy

So I've undertaken projects. I'm planning like mad and doing tons of research and I'm completely geeking out on it and loving it!
I hope to do a series of kinky eating gatherings this summer. :D yay! I want them to be fun, but also somewhat educational... I do love to learn.

The plans:

Nyotaimori Night:
We are blessed to have a chef among those in our group and this night was his idea. It was this idea that sparked my concept of a kinky eating series of events. However, he is handling the details of this night.
This may or may not be held during spring break.

Edible Aphrodisiac Exploration and Discussion of Butler's Books:
Exploring aphrodisiacs is just fun. This event will be more of a tasting than a sit down dinner. I'll prepare several dishes with as many aphrodisiac ingredients as I can and display them with a description of their ingredients and why those particular ingredients are considered to affect libido and arousal. The butler's books is to make certain the following dinners don't cause any allergic reactions, offend any vegans or vegetarians, or have people leaving food on their plates simply because they're not fond of it. I plan to have a template of a basic page for each person to fill out and will offer copies of these for anyone that wishes to have them. This is also to help me with future parties and is simply the beginning of what I expect will be an extensive book.
As soon as schools let out for the summer

1950's themed D/s Dinner:
A lower protocol and semi-formal concept to sort of work up to the intimidation of a formal high protocol event. I plan to serve dishes typical of the American 1950's served either family style or buffet style, employ music and attire common in that time period as well as discuss 1950's households.
Two weeks after the Aphrodisiac Exploration.

Owner and pet Style Dinner:
This dinner is a bit more intense in protocol, but not in table manners. It is also an exploration in the dynamic between Owner and pet style D/s. The pets will serve the meal, wear as little as possible, kneel to the left of their Owners and crawl whenever possible (not during serving food or drink). The Owners will hand feed their pets during the meal and the pets will have speech limitations. I plan to prepare a sort of finger food menu for this event to make it simpler for the Owners to feed their pets. I know we have several switches and unpartnered persons in our group and am asking that the switches choose a role for the evening and stick to it and that the unpartnered ones contact me beforehand so that I may make arrangements if possible.
One month following the 1950's Dinner.

Formal High Protocol Dinner:
This event is still fluctuating until I solidify a place to have it, tables, and place settings for all interested parties. A "Collar and Cocktail" period will start the event for everyone to relax a bit and shift from vanilla life. It is during this time that we will do a sort of ribbon ceremony to pair any unpartnered persons for the evening.
The food will be prepared immediately beforehand and be ready for plating. Each submissive will plate food for and serve their assigned Dominant as well as themselves in sync; plating simultaneously, but serving the Dominants first then returning to the kitchen to bring out their own food. (hopefully! :D )
I hope for at least a 5 course meal, but the menu is not solidified. Using Mistress Zeneca(Starseer on Fetlife)'s manual as a loose guide, I am attempting to create our own version of protocol for this event and will have a review of it two weeks previous to the dinner. This will be the close to our summer series. The dinner itself is to be one month after the Owner and pet style dinner if everything goes as hoped...


WHEW! Ok. So just to give you an idea of how absorbed I've been in this... I've had this window open writing this post for 3 days. lol  I tweaked a few things in the plans over that time and I'm finally posting! yay!!!! hahahaha. Hopefully I'll be able to pull all this off!