Determination for the Better

I've just begun looking at how to get my currently 4 year old son into boy scouts and had a long discussion with my ex-husband about his homophobia and the scout troops. This brought up quite a train of thought for me. Despite the fact that this man married me and lived with me for three years and fathered my two children, he seems to constantly overlook the fact that I'm bisexual and polyamorous. I'm not even mentioning the fact that I'm kinky on top of all that. It's not like I ever hid any of that from him and at one time he led me to believe that he found this aspect of my being something desirable. It’s this extreme contrast between persons inexplicably terrified of opening their minds and hearts and those that have, even if slowly and privately, embraced all the possibilities that being truly yourself can offer that is causing such conflict. 

Being bisexual and living in the southern United States is a scary thing, especially when you have children. Being polyamorous and living in the southern United States on top of that can be downright terrifying. 

In my experience, being forced to accept that you will never be accepted by your family, by many of your friends, and also by your surrounding community really screws with one’s perception of themselves. If I was totally open about my relationship preferences, some of the consequences I would face might include losing my children, or at the very least a custody battle. My ex-husband, being the homophobic paranoid man that he his, has threatened repeatedly to attempt to take custody of our children because my preferences are not “right” and that my influence on the kids might cause them to be gay or bi or “deviant” should I act on the desires that my preferences engender. Losing my job. I work for a Baptist church that I’ve attended since I was 7 or 8 years old… I think this one is fairly self explanatory, but it also falls into being rejected by my community. My parents and the rest of my family would also likely reject me, despite the fact that I have two cousins who are openly gay. Being bisexual and polyamorous is a whole different matter. That’s just being “shameful and greedy.” (a direct quote from one of those cousins). 

The strides being made to open groups like the boy scouts to gay members and, hopefully... eventually, gay leaders give me hope that maybe, one day,  at least my children won’t have to feel so oppressed. Maybe my struggles with accepting myself, despite the lack of acceptance from others in my life, will help them to see that a person is a person is a person, no matter the color of their skin, their age, their sex, their gender, their sexual preference or how many people they can honestly tell “I love you.” 

1/20-1/26 Reviewed.

This week has been a blur. Between being sick and heavily medicated and being busy and … heavily medicated, I don’t remember a lot of it. Friday, though, stands clearly in my mind. A wonderful day that left me full of smiles, begun with a great walk with a new friend that energized and encouraged me. Moving on to taking care of some business with car and work and then my Sir. He surprised me with a visit. I was over at his place making use of the internet to get my work done faster and he called, told me I needed to get naked, get some heels on and play with myself for him… my mind really wanted to say “but ..but I’m so busy! I have so many things that I need to get done and .. and… and…” but then I reminded myself (and he helped remind me) that there must be a reason that he wants me to do this because he knows that I have a ton of stuff to do. 

I’m so glad that I obeyed my Sir…. Because he came to check up on me. Because I’m sure that, had I protested, he wouldn’t have been as pleased. Because knowing that I pleased him, and then feeling it made me feel so gooood. That left me feeling so special that he took the time to surprise me that way and that he even thought to do so. I’ve been missing him so much, but I’ve been missing feeling his control just as much. It was exactly what I needed. It made me feel controlled, owned and cherished. I know that I am those things, but to feel them so completely was magnificent.

Then Friday night, to get to go to the opera with a group of lovely ladies that I can be my true self around. We saw Madame Butterfly and I got to sit cuddling with my beloved Sister the entire show, holding her hand, caressing her knee, enjoying her arm around me and after the curtain, to kiss her goodnight in the drizzling rain not caring that our friends were around us… that was liberating, beautiful and wonderful. I fell into bed that night with a smile on my face that nothing could have wiped away. My good mood is still carrying me, though it’s been dented here and there by this and that, but having a day filled with love, friends and fun definitely recharged my happy battery. 

I Hate Sundays

I hate feeling so out of the loop. Never spending time with anyone other than my kids and my immediate family… and every once in a while I get to see E… even more rarely do I get to see other people that I can actually have an honest conversation with about something other than my kids or my immediate family. It’s to the point where I try not to get on social media sites because it makes me so depressed.  Yes, this is a rant… sorry. It needs to get out.  Everyone’s talking about how much fun they had here or what so and so did there and I’m still an observer and a distant one at that. For a while I felt like I was a part of it, at least minimally, but now? I’m watching through binoculars. I’m the kid in the corner crying ‘cause she didn’t get picked, pouting because nobody talks to her, whining because everyone else is in their own little groups and she’s not allowed to join. I get to visit. It’s frustrating and it hurts. It’s no one’s fault, but that doesn’t make it any less difficult. 

I seem to have had this problem wherever I go. I never feel… included, even when I strive to be or even when I try to create a “group” of my own versus joining one. Not at school, not when I was working, not at church… but I feel like I could be, here, but I just… can’t. I can’t make it to community functions, I can’t get online for TRC chats, ACES is a rare and special thing… It’s either a time that I don’t have free, too expensive to go, or it’s just too far away. or all of the above. I hate that I’m sitting here whining about it, but maybe if I get this out I’ll find a way to fix it or get over it. I feel like I’m screaming “poor pitiful me” while I know life could be so much worse… but this just won’t go away.  I wish I knew a solution. Maybe someone else has one.