Ranting Again

Why does it seem that the women of all the blogs I read and even the ones I come into direct contact with have more than enough money and time to get all pampered and buy special things and do fun activities that cost.. well.. MONEY? Maybe it just seems so glaring to me right now because I have ... well.. none. And I'm floundering, fighting against a ton of jealousy. Trying to keep that "positive attitude" that's included in my contract and be a good sub and a good mother and student and... whatever else I have to be for the day. A good me. But dammit it's HARD. Because of my location, I'm isolated. Because of my schedule, I'm isolated. Because of my lack of money, I'm isolated. It's no one's fault and I know it'll take time to be fixed, but dammit... I'm beyond tired of it right now.

A break would be nice. To not get chastised for being negative. For using my ever present sarcastic defenses.... For saying "really???" one too many times. I know I brought these things on myself, but I need a way to express my frustration. I usually get it out by over reacting to the little things. Example: stupid song comes on pandora.. I had just thumbs downed one almost exactly like it two songs before. Reaction? "Really??  Seriously?? Sheesh!" I get frowned at at the very least. And oh wait.. I'm supposed to reduce my use of the word stupid applying to nonthinking things... well crap. I say I want a break.. but really I don't think I do. I want more consistency. If I can't say those things then... I should get the frown EVERY time... not just when he's tired or fed up with someone else saying such things. Such as with cursing. He's not been reacting happily to my using curse words lately, but when I ask him if he doesn't want me to use such words so I can make a conscious effort NOT to use those words... he says no.. so what's the solution here? I don't like his frown. I'd much rather have his smile...

I've considered attempting to alter my speech on my own, but every time I think of doing that, I remember that we're suppposed to be in this together. I want the instruction.. I NEED the instruction. and for it to come from him. I know that doesn't make sense to some but it's the way my brain works, I suppose. Words have a lot of meaning for me. I used to be more particular about the ones I use, and I still am when I'm in mixed company, but with E I often just let my mouth run with my mind and ramble on and on and on and on. It seems to be fairly unique to him as I don't do that with anyone else really. I may ramble, but with E there's no filter. I suppose I expect him to correct me if I say something he doesn't approve of.. instead I get that... frown.

I read other submissive women's writings and I have to fight that jealousy monster again. I see where they've written about their Dominant counterparts correcting them and how frustrated they feel about it and yet they obviously appreciate it... and I just get more frustrated. The fact that I can't currently live with E is a factor, I know, but even when I'm with him alone for weekends... I dunno. Maybe I'm expecting too much. I do that often. 

Ah well. Time for me to head to class. Maybe a solution will present itself soon. 

~Surri 

"Good Girl": Those Two Words

Recently a friend of mine wrote a piece on how hearing “good girl” from her partner (not necessarily Dominant in this case) caused her to endure something that she didn't want to do because she wanted to do it…. Yes, I know it sounds confusing at first, but after a bit of thought it makes sense. I sat for a while wondering if I should comment.. If her writing meant enough to me to want to applaud it, and I decided not to. Partly because it didn't align with me well. It moved me, obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be writing about it here, but hearing those two words isn't just a motivator to get me to do what E wants me to do. It isn't just a guide to help me get through something that I might not have been able to handle otherwise. Those two words are the goal at the end of my day. I know life is different for everyone and I’m glad that she has found some importance in this phrase, but it’s so much more to me than an enabler.

I haven’t heard those two words in too long now. I can’t remember how long it’s been.  A week? Two? Who knows, but I ache for them… It is this that seems to have kept me from being able to reply to her post.  I don’t feel that I’ve deserved them lately either.  I’ve been moody and whiney and have resisted doing things that I know I should do.. some even that he’s instructed me to do. And I haven’t always told him about it either…

 I have so many facets that it’s hard for me to keep up with what side of me is up today…  Is today the brat? The rope bunny? The toy? The wicked little sadomasochist? The service sub? The pet? The little girl? They’re all a part of me and often work together, but sometimes one portion of my submission needs more than the others. I don’t know why, it may be due to other aspects of my life, it may just be due to my mindset, but I’m feeling a little lost in them right now and I feel like I need to pick one for now. Find one that suits this melancholy and irritated self that I’ve been.

I feel like I’m so much work… so much trouble. My shifty attitude, my baggage, my complications, my apparently rollercoaster emotions.  What I feel I need is so ever shifting how can I expect anyone to keep up? But it seems E does. He manages my fits and works with my complications. He accepts all my baggage and helps me sort through it. He takes my attitude in stride and adjusts it should he need to... at least most of the time. He does so well, that I often feel lost when I can’t lean on him.

I rely on him for so much. The positive reinforcement of “good girl” is my cue that it’s ok to rely on him for all that. That what I’m doing is what he needs, just as much as what he does is what I need… without it, I feel like I’m not doing my job… Those two words are the ruler against which I measure myself.

Now, I’m not sure why I haven’t heard them lately. It may very well be that he’s using other words to attempt some variety... or that he’s just not thought of it… It may be that he’s said them, but my current state has rejected them… or that he is actually displeased with me for something or another, but I miss them. I need to hear these words. I may totally break down when I do hear them again, and E will once again pick up my pieces, but I need it. I need to be his good girl again, whatever else I may be.

I’m sorry for the disjointedness of this post, but I felt that I had to get this out somewhere and that if I took the time to edit it, I wouldn’t post it. I dunno. Maybe I’m looking for problems where there aren’t any, but, to borrow a phrase from Madeline’s Ms. Clavel, “Something is not right!” 

Because I Was Told To

Tears feel funny when they run up your face instead of down.

I never figured myself much of one for begging for instruction but here I am again seeking. 

Bad day today. Stress brings tears with me more often than pain or sadness. So it’s how I find myself kneeling in front of my laptop tonight asking E to tell me something to do, resting my head on the bed in front of my knees while I waited on his answer and contemplating the odd sensation of tears running up my over my eyelids.

I know I haven’t written in a while so it’s here in his instructions that I suppose I should start….Oh where to start…

I don’t want to talk about all my stressors and frustrations right now. Maybe my curiosities and occupations.. yes. That.

My ponderings of late: I keep walking this tightrope I’ve set up on my imaginary line between submissive and slave. Each of us draws our own and I’ve always firmly refused to cross mine. Yet it seems I continue to do so. Or maybe it’s just that my definition of this line has changed or wavered in some way. I’ve blurred it. Am I redefining me or am I redefining the line?

Most of this line of thought was prompted by the demo on connecting E and I went to this past Saturday night. The couple, particularly the slave, kept talking on things that I so identify with. Aspects of service, the reasons and feelings behind that service and such things.  Like the simple joy I feel when tending to E’s coffee. I never even wanted to feel any such thing, but it’s there. And it bothers me when I can’t tend to it and have that joy.  My joy. Mine. Dammit.

Have I mentioned that I hate making beds? HATE… Not his. Why? Because it’s his and I’m doing it for him. I’m still not used to this behavior in me. It’s strange and I don’t really know what to do with it but just go with it. It doesn’t really bother me but it is… well it’s something I’m somewhat in awe of. I’m curious about it and the why and how and what for of it... and the how long. Particularly the how long. 

Looking at myself a year ago I would have been sending someone else to get my coffee… hell. I was. Yet now I not only want this… I need this. It bothers me when I don’t get to do these little things for him… when he doesn’t give me tasks or assign me duties. I feel a little unsettled when I’m not doing something specifically for him.

It’s most difficult when I’m away from him. When part of me still wars against the other. The little spiteful creature whispering “You don’t really have to (fill in the blank). He can’t tell if you do or don’t.” with an answer “But I want to” “why?”   “because… it pleases him” “so?” … and so on and so forth.  My self control sucks. I have this battle with myself over various things. Food. Orgasm. Laundry.  My things. My parents’ things.  Even little things like putting away the kids’ clothes. Some days it’s a total “Do I have to???” well… Most days.

Some would argue “but isn’t everything you do for him and don’t your actions reflect on him?” well yeah. But there’s a huge difference in my brain in doing his dishes and doing my parents’ dishes... in making his bed and making my bed… in enduring for him and enduring without him.

Today enduring without him was a bitch. 

Ok. So now that I got that out and I’m in a better state of mind.. I’m finding that I don’t really have anything more to say. I don’t necessarily feel better but I don’t feel like I can make any more progress here right now.

Until next time…

~Surri