Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercises #12 & #13

 Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

Yes. E and I have a loose budget set for me right now. We don’t live together at the moment (unfortunately, but I’m trying to be patient on that) so it’s difficult to create an itemized budget, and I don’t know that he’d want to do that even if we were living together.

We have an entire portion of our Rule Book dedicated to Finances and Employment… I’ll just copy paste it here…

Finances and Employment

1.      Each party understands that prior to engagement of said relationship both have acquired certain personal property and wealth. These items do not become the property of the Owner once the relationship has been entered into that they remain the sole responsibility of their owner. Should the Submissive desire to relinquish any or all property then she may do so and then and only then does it become the responsibility of the Owner.

2.      The Submissive understands that she is expected to complete her college degree.

3.      A budget will be set for the Submissive regardless her state of employment. Any deviation from that budget is considered worthy of punishment as seen fit by the Owner.

4.      The Submissive must propose all major expenditures to the Owner for approval; this includes any singular purchase over $50 and any unnecessary purchase for pleasure or recreation over $20 with the exclusion of items that may be returned for full refunds, in which case the item must be approved by the Owner as soon as possible after purchase and with the receipt.

5.      Should the Submissive maintain gainful employment outside the home after the relationship has been entered into then all moneys and accumulation by the Submissive belong to the Submissive, however the Owner maintains all final decisions and shall allow the Submissive to discuss matters regarding investments and moneys spent for the benefit of the relationship. Both parties agree that while at work neither shall do or cause to happen anything that may jeopardize the others employment, understanding that each must maintain bills and together, a household.

6.      Should the Submissive not be required to maintain gainful employment outside the home, her duties shall be maintaining the family and the home ensuring that it is kept proper and clean at all times and that meals are prepared in accordance with the Owner's wishes and in doing so fulfills her financial obligations to the home. The Owner shall maintain any medical insurance necessary and assume financial responsibility for the Submissive. The Owner shall also establish a savings fund for the Submissive and maintain it, contributing to it regularly so that should the relationship dissolve the Submissive has a means to sustain herself until she may either find gainful employment or make other arrangements.

I don’t pay him. He doesn’t pay me. He guides me and helps me prepare for my future and the future of my children… and our future together. I know there are other arrangements that aren’t so… advantageous. I am blessed to have a good man as my Dominant; a good man that loves and takes good care of his girl. 

I don't like the concept of turning over one's entire income to a Dominant that one is not married to or without other legal provisions. I don't like the thought of a Dominant not caring for his submissive's future financially if such a situation is arranged. I've heard horror stories of subs that turn over their entire life, including money, to a Dominant and when they are, for some reason, released, they are turned out without a penny or a place to go. I am aware that this is not the norm, but it frightens me to know that it happens sometimes. 

I often have trouble with numbers and I struggle with impulse buying. This is the reason I have never and do not currently have a credit card. I realize that this is something I need help with and, as with everything else, I turn to my Sir for it. I update him with my account balance occasionally, though he doesn't require it, so that he can know how well or how poorly I am managing what I have. Yes, it's another measure of submission, but I really don't make the effort for it. It's just what seems right. I know that if I am not held accountable for this more than once a month I will more than likely spend more than is needed on things that aren't needed and be without money for the things that I do need... like gas or money for a bill. E helps keep me on track. 

Quite often I've been late for a bill payment. Quite often I've missed a bill payment... for absolutely no reason... just because no one made me pay it, I suppose... Now I have someone to make me and I'm grateful for it. 

 Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?

Yes, I am always to be available sexually to my Sir. It is this way because we both enjoy it. There are limits, our safety, the safety and well being of my children, and our public reputations dictate the appropriateness of time and place, but otherwise… that’s pretty much it. I belong to him, he uses me when he wants… ok. Sometimes when I want too. ;) but that’s easy as I usually ‘want’.

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercize #11

Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

Yes, I include service as part of the expectations of my submission. I haven't really in previous relationships, at least not consciously, but in my relationship with E it seems to have been a natural development. It bothers me if he takes his dishes to the sink. It upsets me if he takes mine... I find that I really enjoy the feeling I get from making his coffee just so and bringing it to him. I even enjoy cleaning his bathroom... Because it's his. It's taking care of my Dominant. It's seeing that his life is made easier because of me. It's part of making him happy... of feeling the way I do when he obviously appreciates the things I have done for him. Taking care of him, his surroundings, his belongings, and his needs is where I feel the most HIS. I feel a bit lost when I'm not able to do something for him. If he is busy and I can't help it unsettles me to a degree. I want to be doing something for him consciously whenever possible. I'm still exploring this need and I feel that I probably will be for a long time as there are so many possible aspects of it. Right now I'm just doing what feels right most of the time, as E doesn't really require most of this from me... it just seems to come.

I was rather surprised at this development with us for several reasons. One of those reasons being that my ex-husband attempted to push me into a servile mindset more than once and I resisted it strongly. So much so that it was one of the many reasons I divorced him. It is odd to me that I want to clean for E and make his bed and wash his clothes and shine his shoes and do all those little things that I trudge through in any other situation... but when it's HIS... it's different. It's spreading too. So that as long as I can keep the mindset that whatever I am doing is for him and I can gain his pleasure out of whatever my task is, I find an odd joy in it. At least when nothing else interferes with the mindset.

This... I am still adjusting to.

I don't feel that I've at all answered all there is on this topic, but I feel that, to do it justice, I will return to it at another time. Until then, I'll move on. 

~Surri

E's Birthday Celebration

The Edible Aphrodisiac Exploration that we did for E's birthday went wonderfully! 

There was a lot of great food and good friends and I think it went damn well. I don't have a lot to say about it, but I thought I'd share a few pictures as an update.

Menu:                                                                                                            Chipotle Turkey Nachos, Celery Tomato Cucumber Salad, Lavender Chicken Salad in pita pockets, Honey Ginger Glazed Carrots, and Almond Stuffed Mushrooms. With a dessert table of Fruit Salad, Peach Champagne Sorbet, a Mint Watermelon Vodka Sorbet, Chocolate Banana Slices with Chopped Almonds, Chocolate Honey Banana Bread, Melted Chocolates with Strawberries, Bacon, and Marshmallows for dipping and the dark chocolate and whiskey "Beautiful and Damned" birthday cake. Drinks were a Honey Lavender Lemonade, Coffee, Iced Tea and whatever else anyone brought.

I think my favorites were the Turkey Nachos, Peach Champagne Sorbet and The Cake lol. E said his favorites were the Fruit Salad, the Peach Champagne Sorbet, and The Cake as well...

I enjoyed pretty much every part of this party, including the after-party birthday beating! 

I'll be back with more substantial posts once life calms down a bit. 

Until then! 

~Surri

How is a Submissive Like a Shoe?

No, no. This isn’t one of those “How is a raven like a writing desk?” jokes… But how in the world is a submissive person like a shoe? I’m getting to that.

Disclaimer: My thoughts are my thoughts… you may not agree with them and I in no way want to tell you how you should do things.

One of the things I’ve been doing lately for E, when I get the chance, is caring for his shoes. Cleaning them, polishing them, etc. I don’t get the opportunity often, because I don’t get much time with him, but I’ve been thinking about it and about how I feel while I’m doing it. It’s a bit like the mirrors I mentioned in a previous post. I want to do my best because it’s for him, but also, it’s a bit more…

His shoes are something he uses every day, pretty much all day to protect his feet. With 26 bones, 33 joints, 107 ligaments, 19 muscles and tendons in each foot, the 52 bones in both feet make up about 25% of all the bones in the body and, though the foot has evolved over time, stepping on sharp rocks, broken glass, and stubbing the toes are still pretty unavoidable risks without shoes. The right shoe can prevent or alleviate foot, ankle, knee, hip, and back pains, while the wrong choice can worsen or cause similar pains. Bad or worn out shoes can even cause misalignment in the spine and lead to problems throughout the entire body.  A shoe isn’t just a mirror he glances into on his way by; it’s something that, in its way, defends him.

Are you beginning to see the similarities now? The right submissive can prevent or alleviate pains (troubles, stressors, drama, etc.) and the wrong one can cause or worsen it! Being the right submissive (at least we both feel so at the moment), I should seek to relieve his stresses, soothe him or avoid them altogether. I mention that bad or worn out shoes can even cause misalignment of the spine and lead to problems throughout the body; this is also true of submissive persons. I may not call the shots, but the attitude of my service and the efficiency in which I complete my tasks can very well make or break the entire order of things. Now, I’m not talking about a person that submits for kicks and giggles (though I do that, too sometimes), but a person that lives this way, that feels submission in their core, whether naturally or as a calling. But I, in my way, should defend him as I can by making his life as stress free and well ordered as possible. He, in turn, relieves my stress by taking the weight of decision from me in most cases… among other things. ;)

Shoes also play a factor in the image a person presents. Whether in a corporate, casual, kinky or other setting, the way we look is often the first impression we make. While, shoes may seem a minor part of that image, they have more of an influence than one might think. An unwise choice can make an expensive outfit look cheap and stylish outfit look, well, absurd. And then they make us look, well, cheap or absurd. If the shoes are unkempt, it indicates a lack of care, a rough life, and if they’re not designed for the rough, then that judgment is also a judgment of us. No matter what’s on the inside. We should not be deceived by shoes, just as we shouldn’t be fooled by clothes, but we often are.

In caring for E’s shoes, I care for the image he presents to the world. Those shoes say a lot about this man I love… They’ve obviously been walked in. They’re creased and have a few scuffs and you can tell they’ve been worn and worn often. To me this says “He does.” He does a lot of things and I struggle often to keep up and work my way into his busy life when I can. Even when he’s not going and doing, his mind is still working on something for when he is going and doing. Despite being worn in, the shoes are clean and have a good sheen. They’re well cared for, even when I can’t care for them. And he cares about what he does too. No matter what it is, he puts care and focus into what he’s doing. 

I’ve noticed when this starts slipping, so do the shoes. When he gets caught up in something or another and stops putting that care and focus into his actions, the shoes might stay dusty and unpolished for a while. Now, this may be just my perception due to difficulties we’ve had lately, but it seems to be the case.

My image reflects on him as well. I am his. It is known that I am his. My grooming, my actions, my manners, my habits, my dress and all the things that make up how others view me, these things affect how others view him too.

Shoes can also be confidence boosters. I know how I feel in a favorite pair of heels. Teens whine and beg for the latest pop star’s or sports star’s brand because imitating their favorite star makes them feel “cool” (Do they still use that term?). It’s a brain thing. It just makes you feel good to wear great shoes. Call it a morale booster, a matter of pride, whatever.  Why do you think we pay so much for designer shoes? (ok.. I don’t, but some people do…) I want my Sir to feel good about himself when he’s wearing those shoes. I want my Sir to feel good about himself when he’s wearing me too… hahaha but you get the point.

So yes, in a way, I’m like these shoes. It makes sense for me to care for them, just as I care for myself. Well and with him in mind. 

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercises #7, #8 and #9

Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?

Absolutely. I feel that I need the discipline and/or punishments because it keeps my mindset in place, and because I have such issues with my self control that such consequences make me better behaved. Without it, I tend to return to a self focus and that is something I do not like. I am immensely happier when focused on serving and not on what I want because listening to what I want most of the time would have unpleasant results on my attitude, my relationships, my weight, my health and my appearance. 

If I go by what I want, I may want to sit on the couch and chow down on an entire pack of Oreos instead of doing laundry, knowing that it’s not good for me... wait... I have done that… If I didn’t have the punishment, my self-discipline would disappear pretty quickly and I’d most likely just do what I wanted, even knowing that it’s not good for me. Because I know that doing so would get me in trouble with E, it is immensely easier for me to resist that temptation. I need the accountability because, alone, I can talk myself into or out of damn near anything whether it’s helpful or harmful.

Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

Yes. I may consider myself masochistic, but with the attitude of displeasure and intent of punishment behind pain, it can cause even something I enjoy to bring repentant tears.

Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

Definitely. I need structure and rules and limits are there for safety. I need to know what’s expected of me and what I can expect from my Dominant. If I don’t, I don’t feel comfortable at all. Structure is something I’ve always sought, I think. I am, by nature a rather chaotic individual and I recognize my need for regularity and routine as well as known consequences and results for expected actions…. If that makes any sense whatsoever.

I need the reassurance of the “If/then” statements and feel  much more secure when I am aware of my fence. I may bump against it from time to time, I may even shove at it, jump it, or attempt to rip it to shreds, but I need it and I prefer for it to bump me rather than for me to bump it. I need to know how much is too much and I don’t want to have to be or do too much in order for me to find out.

I need rules (shh don’t tell the adolescent me…) because without them, I feel lost. They’re the links in the chain connecting me to my Anchor and without them, I’d be totally adrift, just floating there, waiting for the waves of change that life tosses my way to overwhelm me and leave me directionless and wandering.

Made Perfect Through Weakness

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

 2 Corinthians 12:9

English Standard Version Anglicised (ESVUK)

This scripture was used in the sermon at my church on Sunday. I know I know. It's the BIBLE and I'm talking church and Sundays... But there's more to this than just the traditional yehyehing of a preacher. 

 I found it so strangely appropriate because I had just been focusing on grace and what that word meant to me and how I wanted to be a person full of grace (see previous post) in all its forms. The quote here "My grace is sufficient for you" doesn't just speak for the grace of God, though that definitely applies. As a submissive, this speaks to me of my Dominant as well. His grace, in all its forms, should be enough for me. Though God's grace is far beyond that of E's (sorry, Sir.. lol) I serve them both. 

I've said, since I returned to BDSM with an intent to keep my Christianity in tact, that I may submit to a man, but I will never call him Master, for I am slave only to Christ. I see Christianity through different eyes because of my submission just as I see everything else just a shade differently because of it (hence the name of my blog). 

The next portion of the quote "for my power is made perfect in weakness." Isn't is always? It may be more obvious to those of us in what are termed "power exchange" relationships, but if there was not weakness, what use would power be? Understanding that I, with all my failings, make evident the power of those I serve is an humbling thing. 

But the next sentence covers that "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power.... may rest upon me." In order to make that power more evident to others, I'll gladly display the weaknesses and vulnerabilities and flaws and imperfections that I have so that the authority of those I serve may be seen by those around me. That doesn't mean I won't keep working to correct them, but I'm not going to slather them over with a layer of concealer and hope no one sees.

Because I Was Told To

Tears feel funny when they run up your face instead of down.

I never figured myself much of one for begging for instruction but here I am again seeking. 

Bad day today. Stress brings tears with me more often than pain or sadness. So it’s how I find myself kneeling in front of my laptop tonight asking E to tell me something to do, resting my head on the bed in front of my knees while I waited on his answer and contemplating the odd sensation of tears running up my over my eyelids.

I know I haven’t written in a while so it’s here in his instructions that I suppose I should start….Oh where to start…

I don’t want to talk about all my stressors and frustrations right now. Maybe my curiosities and occupations.. yes. That.

My ponderings of late: I keep walking this tightrope I’ve set up on my imaginary line between submissive and slave. Each of us draws our own and I’ve always firmly refused to cross mine. Yet it seems I continue to do so. Or maybe it’s just that my definition of this line has changed or wavered in some way. I’ve blurred it. Am I redefining me or am I redefining the line?

Most of this line of thought was prompted by the demo on connecting E and I went to this past Saturday night. The couple, particularly the slave, kept talking on things that I so identify with. Aspects of service, the reasons and feelings behind that service and such things.  Like the simple joy I feel when tending to E’s coffee. I never even wanted to feel any such thing, but it’s there. And it bothers me when I can’t tend to it and have that joy.  My joy. Mine. Dammit.

Have I mentioned that I hate making beds? HATE… Not his. Why? Because it’s his and I’m doing it for him. I’m still not used to this behavior in me. It’s strange and I don’t really know what to do with it but just go with it. It doesn’t really bother me but it is… well it’s something I’m somewhat in awe of. I’m curious about it and the why and how and what for of it... and the how long. Particularly the how long. 

Looking at myself a year ago I would have been sending someone else to get my coffee… hell. I was. Yet now I not only want this… I need this. It bothers me when I don’t get to do these little things for him… when he doesn’t give me tasks or assign me duties. I feel a little unsettled when I’m not doing something specifically for him.

It’s most difficult when I’m away from him. When part of me still wars against the other. The little spiteful creature whispering “You don’t really have to (fill in the blank). He can’t tell if you do or don’t.” with an answer “But I want to” “why?”   “because… it pleases him” “so?” … and so on and so forth.  My self control sucks. I have this battle with myself over various things. Food. Orgasm. Laundry.  My things. My parents’ things.  Even little things like putting away the kids’ clothes. Some days it’s a total “Do I have to???” well… Most days.

Some would argue “but isn’t everything you do for him and don’t your actions reflect on him?” well yeah. But there’s a huge difference in my brain in doing his dishes and doing my parents’ dishes... in making his bed and making my bed… in enduring for him and enduring without him.

Today enduring without him was a bitch. 

Ok. So now that I got that out and I’m in a better state of mind.. I’m finding that I don’t really have anything more to say. I don’t necessarily feel better but I don’t feel like I can make any more progress here right now.

Until next time…

~Surri

I Have That!

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sweetness

    yesterday was a good day. i got the chance to do more than just be the rope bunny or the pain slut or the fuck toy. yesterday i felt useful and that's such a good thing to feel. i think i had forgotten how fulfilling this could be. 
    it amuses me how quickly i want to do the best for him, where, were i doing such for myself it would likely receive a halfhearted attempt. little things like making sure there aren't streaks on the mirror or seeing that the kitchen counters are clear and clean or .. well you get the point. i hope that never leaves. i want to keep this feeling of being delighted that i want the best for him, that i want my best for him. i know it will likely alter at times, but i intend to desperately cling to it... and him.
    i'm happy. happier than i have been in a very long time. and i'm finding it's the little things that keep me so. and i'm wishing i could be back at his feet right now, wrapped around his leg with my head on his knee... soon. i can be patient. i have to be. 
    until next i write. 
~surri