Begging

I think my issue with begging is that if I retain the mindfulness necessary to do it justice, I lose the pleasant state of being wherein I need not think, which is a highly desirable portion of my submission, and since words have great power with  me I prefer to choose important ones carefully, which takes thought. Anything that I would feel important enough to truly beg for would deserve such forethought. Also, since I hold words so dear, when I struggle against that mindlessness and stumble over my words it shames me to a degree and I don't like that at all. I feel stupid that I haven't been able to come up with better words to articulate that need/want better and that I have, in my blundering, shamed that which I ask for and my Sir, whom I ask it from. 

I do beg with actions. I'll rub my cheek against him, press it to his feet sometimes. When he's caning or spanking me or the like I'll often lift up one side of my bottom to ask for more there. I whimper, I whine. I pout and sometimes feel like I get those big pleading eyes ... but verbally, I totally fail at begging. My mind goes blank and there's nothing there but "please". While I do so enjoy that state, E has expressed a desire to hear me beg with more than whines and whimpers on occasion. So, he has asked me to come up with at least ten ways for me to ask him to allow me into his bed as a starting point...

Would it please you for your girl to sleep in your bed tonight, Sir?

Sir, have I been good enough to sleep in your bed tonight?

May I please get into your bed, Sir?

Please, Sir, may your girl get into your bed now?

Sir, your girl is tired. Does she have permission to get into your bed?

(and at this point I think I'd just fall asleep on the floor, but to continue the exercise..)

Sir, is there anything that I may do to be allowed in your bed tonight?

How may I earn a place in your bed tonight, Sir?

Please, may I sleep in your bed tonight, Sir, so that I may rest well and better serve you tomorrow?

Please, Sir, would you allow your girl the pleasure of sleeping in your bed tonight?

(and as I fall asleep on my knees....)

I'm sleepy. Can I come to bed now?

So. There are ten. I feel as if they're more formally asking than begging, but I refuse to lessen my self worth, grovel or attempt to promise things I don't intend to follow through with in order to get anything I want, nor do I think E would want that of me. I suppose that's why I feel that I need to have my wits about me at least partially in order to properly "beg". 

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercise #10

Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?

Yeah. BDSM is a part of my relationship. E is pretty active in the local kinky community and I would be if I had more opportunity. Bondage is a yes, I love rope in particular but I enjoy pretty much any kind of bondage… at least all the types I’ve tried. Discipline is in there too. Dominance and submission obviously play a big role in our relationship. Sadomasochism is there as well. So I suppose we have the whole shebang. hahaha

As far as its importance, I know that one day I probably won’t be so keen on E purpling my butt with bruises and that one day he probably won’t be able to. There will be a time when his fingers can no longer tie the knots and I can no longer kneel or stand still long enough for him to bind me (that’s an issue already lol!). Despite that, the Dominance and submission and even discipline, I feel, will remain. 

So, some aspects of it are integral to my submission, but others… time will eventually push them aside. It’s not all whips and chains and blood and pain, though those are sometimes included. In that complex acronym there is a way of living, a way of thinking that is, to me, beautiful and that lasts much longer than the mere moments of pain or bondage.