Ranting Again

Why does it seem that the women of all the blogs I read and even the ones I come into direct contact with have more than enough money and time to get all pampered and buy special things and do fun activities that cost.. well.. MONEY? Maybe it just seems so glaring to me right now because I have ... well.. none. And I'm floundering, fighting against a ton of jealousy. Trying to keep that "positive attitude" that's included in my contract and be a good sub and a good mother and student and... whatever else I have to be for the day. A good me. But dammit it's HARD. Because of my location, I'm isolated. Because of my schedule, I'm isolated. Because of my lack of money, I'm isolated. It's no one's fault and I know it'll take time to be fixed, but dammit... I'm beyond tired of it right now.

A break would be nice. To not get chastised for being negative. For using my ever present sarcastic defenses.... For saying "really???" one too many times. I know I brought these things on myself, but I need a way to express my frustration. I usually get it out by over reacting to the little things. Example: stupid song comes on pandora.. I had just thumbs downed one almost exactly like it two songs before. Reaction? "Really??  Seriously?? Sheesh!" I get frowned at at the very least. And oh wait.. I'm supposed to reduce my use of the word stupid applying to nonthinking things... well crap. I say I want a break.. but really I don't think I do. I want more consistency. If I can't say those things then... I should get the frown EVERY time... not just when he's tired or fed up with someone else saying such things. Such as with cursing. He's not been reacting happily to my using curse words lately, but when I ask him if he doesn't want me to use such words so I can make a conscious effort NOT to use those words... he says no.. so what's the solution here? I don't like his frown. I'd much rather have his smile...

I've considered attempting to alter my speech on my own, but every time I think of doing that, I remember that we're suppposed to be in this together. I want the instruction.. I NEED the instruction. and for it to come from him. I know that doesn't make sense to some but it's the way my brain works, I suppose. Words have a lot of meaning for me. I used to be more particular about the ones I use, and I still am when I'm in mixed company, but with E I often just let my mouth run with my mind and ramble on and on and on and on. It seems to be fairly unique to him as I don't do that with anyone else really. I may ramble, but with E there's no filter. I suppose I expect him to correct me if I say something he doesn't approve of.. instead I get that... frown.

I read other submissive women's writings and I have to fight that jealousy monster again. I see where they've written about their Dominant counterparts correcting them and how frustrated they feel about it and yet they obviously appreciate it... and I just get more frustrated. The fact that I can't currently live with E is a factor, I know, but even when I'm with him alone for weekends... I dunno. Maybe I'm expecting too much. I do that often. 

Ah well. Time for me to head to class. Maybe a solution will present itself soon. 

~Surri 

"Good Girl": Those Two Words

Recently a friend of mine wrote a piece on how hearing “good girl” from her partner (not necessarily Dominant in this case) caused her to endure something that she didn't want to do because she wanted to do it…. Yes, I know it sounds confusing at first, but after a bit of thought it makes sense. I sat for a while wondering if I should comment.. If her writing meant enough to me to want to applaud it, and I decided not to. Partly because it didn't align with me well. It moved me, obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be writing about it here, but hearing those two words isn't just a motivator to get me to do what E wants me to do. It isn't just a guide to help me get through something that I might not have been able to handle otherwise. Those two words are the goal at the end of my day. I know life is different for everyone and I’m glad that she has found some importance in this phrase, but it’s so much more to me than an enabler.

I haven’t heard those two words in too long now. I can’t remember how long it’s been.  A week? Two? Who knows, but I ache for them… It is this that seems to have kept me from being able to reply to her post.  I don’t feel that I’ve deserved them lately either.  I’ve been moody and whiney and have resisted doing things that I know I should do.. some even that he’s instructed me to do. And I haven’t always told him about it either…

 I have so many facets that it’s hard for me to keep up with what side of me is up today…  Is today the brat? The rope bunny? The toy? The wicked little sadomasochist? The service sub? The pet? The little girl? They’re all a part of me and often work together, but sometimes one portion of my submission needs more than the others. I don’t know why, it may be due to other aspects of my life, it may just be due to my mindset, but I’m feeling a little lost in them right now and I feel like I need to pick one for now. Find one that suits this melancholy and irritated self that I’ve been.

I feel like I’m so much work… so much trouble. My shifty attitude, my baggage, my complications, my apparently rollercoaster emotions.  What I feel I need is so ever shifting how can I expect anyone to keep up? But it seems E does. He manages my fits and works with my complications. He accepts all my baggage and helps me sort through it. He takes my attitude in stride and adjusts it should he need to... at least most of the time. He does so well, that I often feel lost when I can’t lean on him.

I rely on him for so much. The positive reinforcement of “good girl” is my cue that it’s ok to rely on him for all that. That what I’m doing is what he needs, just as much as what he does is what I need… without it, I feel like I’m not doing my job… Those two words are the ruler against which I measure myself.

Now, I’m not sure why I haven’t heard them lately. It may very well be that he’s using other words to attempt some variety... or that he’s just not thought of it… It may be that he’s said them, but my current state has rejected them… or that he is actually displeased with me for something or another, but I miss them. I need to hear these words. I may totally break down when I do hear them again, and E will once again pick up my pieces, but I need it. I need to be his good girl again, whatever else I may be.

I’m sorry for the disjointedness of this post, but I felt that I had to get this out somewhere and that if I took the time to edit it, I wouldn’t post it. I dunno. Maybe I’m looking for problems where there aren’t any, but, to borrow a phrase from Madeline’s Ms. Clavel, “Something is not right!” 

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercises #12 & #13

 Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

Yes. E and I have a loose budget set for me right now. We don’t live together at the moment (unfortunately, but I’m trying to be patient on that) so it’s difficult to create an itemized budget, and I don’t know that he’d want to do that even if we were living together.

We have an entire portion of our Rule Book dedicated to Finances and Employment… I’ll just copy paste it here…

Finances and Employment

1.      Each party understands that prior to engagement of said relationship both have acquired certain personal property and wealth. These items do not become the property of the Owner once the relationship has been entered into that they remain the sole responsibility of their owner. Should the Submissive desire to relinquish any or all property then she may do so and then and only then does it become the responsibility of the Owner.

2.      The Submissive understands that she is expected to complete her college degree.

3.      A budget will be set for the Submissive regardless her state of employment. Any deviation from that budget is considered worthy of punishment as seen fit by the Owner.

4.      The Submissive must propose all major expenditures to the Owner for approval; this includes any singular purchase over $50 and any unnecessary purchase for pleasure or recreation over $20 with the exclusion of items that may be returned for full refunds, in which case the item must be approved by the Owner as soon as possible after purchase and with the receipt.

5.      Should the Submissive maintain gainful employment outside the home after the relationship has been entered into then all moneys and accumulation by the Submissive belong to the Submissive, however the Owner maintains all final decisions and shall allow the Submissive to discuss matters regarding investments and moneys spent for the benefit of the relationship. Both parties agree that while at work neither shall do or cause to happen anything that may jeopardize the others employment, understanding that each must maintain bills and together, a household.

6.      Should the Submissive not be required to maintain gainful employment outside the home, her duties shall be maintaining the family and the home ensuring that it is kept proper and clean at all times and that meals are prepared in accordance with the Owner's wishes and in doing so fulfills her financial obligations to the home. The Owner shall maintain any medical insurance necessary and assume financial responsibility for the Submissive. The Owner shall also establish a savings fund for the Submissive and maintain it, contributing to it regularly so that should the relationship dissolve the Submissive has a means to sustain herself until she may either find gainful employment or make other arrangements.

I don’t pay him. He doesn’t pay me. He guides me and helps me prepare for my future and the future of my children… and our future together. I know there are other arrangements that aren’t so… advantageous. I am blessed to have a good man as my Dominant; a good man that loves and takes good care of his girl. 

I don't like the concept of turning over one's entire income to a Dominant that one is not married to or without other legal provisions. I don't like the thought of a Dominant not caring for his submissive's future financially if such a situation is arranged. I've heard horror stories of subs that turn over their entire life, including money, to a Dominant and when they are, for some reason, released, they are turned out without a penny or a place to go. I am aware that this is not the norm, but it frightens me to know that it happens sometimes. 

I often have trouble with numbers and I struggle with impulse buying. This is the reason I have never and do not currently have a credit card. I realize that this is something I need help with and, as with everything else, I turn to my Sir for it. I update him with my account balance occasionally, though he doesn't require it, so that he can know how well or how poorly I am managing what I have. Yes, it's another measure of submission, but I really don't make the effort for it. It's just what seems right. I know that if I am not held accountable for this more than once a month I will more than likely spend more than is needed on things that aren't needed and be without money for the things that I do need... like gas or money for a bill. E helps keep me on track. 

Quite often I've been late for a bill payment. Quite often I've missed a bill payment... for absolutely no reason... just because no one made me pay it, I suppose... Now I have someone to make me and I'm grateful for it. 

 Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?

Yes, I am always to be available sexually to my Sir. It is this way because we both enjoy it. There are limits, our safety, the safety and well being of my children, and our public reputations dictate the appropriateness of time and place, but otherwise… that’s pretty much it. I belong to him, he uses me when he wants… ok. Sometimes when I want too. ;) but that’s easy as I usually ‘want’.

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercize #11

Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

Yes, I include service as part of the expectations of my submission. I haven't really in previous relationships, at least not consciously, but in my relationship with E it seems to have been a natural development. It bothers me if he takes his dishes to the sink. It upsets me if he takes mine... I find that I really enjoy the feeling I get from making his coffee just so and bringing it to him. I even enjoy cleaning his bathroom... Because it's his. It's taking care of my Dominant. It's seeing that his life is made easier because of me. It's part of making him happy... of feeling the way I do when he obviously appreciates the things I have done for him. Taking care of him, his surroundings, his belongings, and his needs is where I feel the most HIS. I feel a bit lost when I'm not able to do something for him. If he is busy and I can't help it unsettles me to a degree. I want to be doing something for him consciously whenever possible. I'm still exploring this need and I feel that I probably will be for a long time as there are so many possible aspects of it. Right now I'm just doing what feels right most of the time, as E doesn't really require most of this from me... it just seems to come.

I was rather surprised at this development with us for several reasons. One of those reasons being that my ex-husband attempted to push me into a servile mindset more than once and I resisted it strongly. So much so that it was one of the many reasons I divorced him. It is odd to me that I want to clean for E and make his bed and wash his clothes and shine his shoes and do all those little things that I trudge through in any other situation... but when it's HIS... it's different. It's spreading too. So that as long as I can keep the mindset that whatever I am doing is for him and I can gain his pleasure out of whatever my task is, I find an odd joy in it. At least when nothing else interferes with the mindset.

This... I am still adjusting to.

I don't feel that I've at all answered all there is on this topic, but I feel that, to do it justice, I will return to it at another time. Until then, I'll move on. 

~Surri

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercises #7, #8 and #9

Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?

Absolutely. I feel that I need the discipline and/or punishments because it keeps my mindset in place, and because I have such issues with my self control that such consequences make me better behaved. Without it, I tend to return to a self focus and that is something I do not like. I am immensely happier when focused on serving and not on what I want because listening to what I want most of the time would have unpleasant results on my attitude, my relationships, my weight, my health and my appearance. 

If I go by what I want, I may want to sit on the couch and chow down on an entire pack of Oreos instead of doing laundry, knowing that it’s not good for me... wait... I have done that… If I didn’t have the punishment, my self-discipline would disappear pretty quickly and I’d most likely just do what I wanted, even knowing that it’s not good for me. Because I know that doing so would get me in trouble with E, it is immensely easier for me to resist that temptation. I need the accountability because, alone, I can talk myself into or out of damn near anything whether it’s helpful or harmful.

Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

Yes. I may consider myself masochistic, but with the attitude of displeasure and intent of punishment behind pain, it can cause even something I enjoy to bring repentant tears.

Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

Definitely. I need structure and rules and limits are there for safety. I need to know what’s expected of me and what I can expect from my Dominant. If I don’t, I don’t feel comfortable at all. Structure is something I’ve always sought, I think. I am, by nature a rather chaotic individual and I recognize my need for regularity and routine as well as known consequences and results for expected actions…. If that makes any sense whatsoever.

I need the reassurance of the “If/then” statements and feel  much more secure when I am aware of my fence. I may bump against it from time to time, I may even shove at it, jump it, or attempt to rip it to shreds, but I need it and I prefer for it to bump me rather than for me to bump it. I need to know how much is too much and I don’t want to have to be or do too much in order for me to find out.

I need rules (shh don’t tell the adolescent me…) because without them, I feel lost. They’re the links in the chain connecting me to my Anchor and without them, I’d be totally adrift, just floating there, waiting for the waves of change that life tosses my way to overwhelm me and leave me directionless and wandering.