Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercises #20 & #21

 Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

Yes. My submission is situational, I think. Submission is a constant, but the persons and the environments involved and the things going on in my life alter how present my submission is in my mind. I have had to renegotiate my submission because I simply could not handle the stresses brought on by a combination of new and challenging rules, a recent divorce, two children, work and contemplating returning to school at the time. Submission is like walking a balance beam.. not quite as treacherous as a tightrope  (haha) but still a challenge to maintain equilibrium within one’s self and one’s relationships as well as one’s responsibilities. I suppose what I mean is that my submission increases and decreases from moment to moment. It’s a constant fluctuation in order to maintain balance in the circus that is my life.

Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

I don’t know if it “makes” me feel most submissive, but the position that I feel most submissive in, and I feel expresses my submission best is to kneel at my Owner’s feet, wrap my arms around his legs and rest my head on the tops of his feet. There is also my “happy place” which varies between a modified nadu with my head on my Owner’s knee and my hands on his ankle or my arms and legs wrapped around his leg. As well as a position kneeling with my knees wide, hips up, arms outstretched on the floor before me.

These don’t really have names for me at the moment… We've so far avoided using most of the usual names for positions and we haven’t really gotten much into position training, but those three really take me to my deepest submissive mindset, I think. 

Exploring My Submission: Journaling Exercises #18 & #19

 Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?
When I have an opinion, I state it. Otherwise, I’ve always had difficulty making decisions. I prefer for the choices to be made for me, if I have an issue with the choice that is made, then I will make it known… Right now, not always in the most respectful manner, but I’m getting better with that. 
E and I have both noted that communication seems to just come so easily with us. It’s easy for me to be utterly me with him and I would hope the same is true of him with me. It’s easier for me to let him know what I want and need but so often I don’t need to… So very often it’s instinctive. 
So, communication, for us, isn’t always verbal, or if it is, it isn’t always lingual, but it seems to get the point across wonderfully. Without it, we wouldn’t be what we are.

 How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online? 
It varies. There are some that I seek out to talk to when I need another point of view. I love Fetlife for its connectedness and its interest groups. I am a member of a couple of ‘kink’ groups in my area, if that’s what you want to call them. But I rarely get to attend events thanks to my family and my ‘nilla obligations.
I’m not a super social person, and that follows through with my submission. I’m a homebody, I tend to want to stay at home and have others come to me… That being said, I have no qualms about having a damn good dinner or other form of get together at what I consider my home (where E lives.. where I live right now is just a house, not my home, but that’s another post) but I’m infinitely more comfortable in familiar surroundings with familiar expectations than I am going somewhere where I don’t know where anything is, have to ask what’s where and what I can or can’t use, and all that… with people I don’t know and well… I’m much more comfortable at home. Lol 
I stick closer to my “happy place” at E’s knee when I’m not comfortable with my surroundings. Granted, I’m there whenever I can be anyway, but it’s more needed rather than wanted when I am not at ease. The first time I went to an event for The Red Chair, I had a panic attack in the car before going in. I’d fought it the entire way there, and when I put the car in park I just broke down. I wasn’t with E then in any form… I don’t remember if I’d even met him at that point, but I had some other friends that were supposed to be there a few minutes later. If it hadn’t been for them and my Xanax I would never have made it out of my car that night. 
I’m very grateful that I did, as I love my TRC family, even if I don’t get to see them very often, but I’m still stepping outside of my comfort  zone with every event I attend. It’s a process and it’s getting better, but, suffice it to say, my submission is vaguely socially connected when it can be.

Ranting Again

Why does it seem that the women of all the blogs I read and even the ones I come into direct contact with have more than enough money and time to get all pampered and buy special things and do fun activities that cost.. well.. MONEY? Maybe it just seems so glaring to me right now because I have ... well.. none. And I'm floundering, fighting against a ton of jealousy. Trying to keep that "positive attitude" that's included in my contract and be a good sub and a good mother and student and... whatever else I have to be for the day. A good me. But dammit it's HARD. Because of my location, I'm isolated. Because of my schedule, I'm isolated. Because of my lack of money, I'm isolated. It's no one's fault and I know it'll take time to be fixed, but dammit... I'm beyond tired of it right now.

A break would be nice. To not get chastised for being negative. For using my ever present sarcastic defenses.... For saying "really???" one too many times. I know I brought these things on myself, but I need a way to express my frustration. I usually get it out by over reacting to the little things. Example: stupid song comes on pandora.. I had just thumbs downed one almost exactly like it two songs before. Reaction? "Really??  Seriously?? Sheesh!" I get frowned at at the very least. And oh wait.. I'm supposed to reduce my use of the word stupid applying to nonthinking things... well crap. I say I want a break.. but really I don't think I do. I want more consistency. If I can't say those things then... I should get the frown EVERY time... not just when he's tired or fed up with someone else saying such things. Such as with cursing. He's not been reacting happily to my using curse words lately, but when I ask him if he doesn't want me to use such words so I can make a conscious effort NOT to use those words... he says no.. so what's the solution here? I don't like his frown. I'd much rather have his smile...

I've considered attempting to alter my speech on my own, but every time I think of doing that, I remember that we're suppposed to be in this together. I want the instruction.. I NEED the instruction. and for it to come from him. I know that doesn't make sense to some but it's the way my brain works, I suppose. Words have a lot of meaning for me. I used to be more particular about the ones I use, and I still am when I'm in mixed company, but with E I often just let my mouth run with my mind and ramble on and on and on and on. It seems to be fairly unique to him as I don't do that with anyone else really. I may ramble, but with E there's no filter. I suppose I expect him to correct me if I say something he doesn't approve of.. instead I get that... frown.

I read other submissive women's writings and I have to fight that jealousy monster again. I see where they've written about their Dominant counterparts correcting them and how frustrated they feel about it and yet they obviously appreciate it... and I just get more frustrated. The fact that I can't currently live with E is a factor, I know, but even when I'm with him alone for weekends... I dunno. Maybe I'm expecting too much. I do that often. 

Ah well. Time for me to head to class. Maybe a solution will present itself soon. 

~Surri